Bloody Hot

We measured the temperature at 64deg today although it’s all a bit hit and miss because we only have car temperatures and peoples watches to go by and they are not generally very accurate – however, I would like to say, publicly, that I think that today has been the hottest I have ever been, anywhere in the world, ever.

You're on trivial titbits tonight – whether you like it or not because I can't be bothered to think up a theme for the night !

We’ll start with the best bit – I’ve got a Snicker bar in the fridge ! I have moved down to site today and although I am in one of the scabbier cabins (which are, apparently, not worthy of fizzy drink and chocolate) I happened to be hanging around outside one of the posh cabins (which are, apparently, entitled to fizzy drink and chocolate) whilst the little man was filling the fridges with chocolate. I simply did what any white expatriate does in these circumstances – I asked him for a couple of bars with a big smile on my face ! Job done. Female boss ecstatic, Ianiepoos in everyone’s good books, life incredibly simple !

Whilst we’re on the subject of my good books, most of you will find this hard to believe, actually there are several things you are going to find hard to believe, like me being regarded as the level headed peace maker around here…….I know, I find that one hard to believe myself actually. Tracey will find the next one more difficult to believe than some of you, but today I heard myself being described as “always cheerful”. Hehe. I might need to discuss these insights too sides of my character that some of you were not previously aware of, with my wife first, but if it makes you any happier the poor woman got the short end of a grumpy I was having last night after I had posted on here (the one about inter office politics). To her eternal credit she let me rant, which was what I needed to do, talked some sense that I understood (with a little sympathy mixed in) and I was fine after that. Back top my old cheery self this morning !

I am quite glad I am down on site for a few days as I am getting a bit de-mob happy and being here will take my mind off it for a bit each day and get me through another sleep. I don’t actually know how long I am going to be here for but I have to be back on the COB on Sunday ready to Fly to Dubai on Monday (it sounds so simple when you say it like that !). The bad thing is that there is no gym and running round camp has been outlawed by the security boffins who seem to think we will get taken out by a sniper. These things all seem a bit far fetched to everyone (except people who can make more profit by providing more close protection security……but that’s just a cynical view and we shouldn’t take security lightly !). Besides, you don’t really need to run anywhere when the temperature is 147 deg C, you lose weight when you’re out in it, simply by breathing !

I was just wondering what photo’s to put in today’s blog and it reminded me that my new camera has arrived at home, which is jolly exciting I can tell you. I can’t wait to get back and start taking pictures of juniors pointing in France ready for coming back to site in September and getting on with some serious pointing !

I thought a couple of photos of my current environment for you today. The first is of my site office………..



And the second, taken from one of the guard towers, shows the prison walls behind which I am locked every night (to stop the snipers being able to see me). In the foreground of that picture (to the left) you can see the beginning of the slab being laid for the tennis courts and the 5-a-side football pitch. It will be interesting to be able to take pictures in a few months time and do before and after shots.

Oh, and whilst I think about it, the COB got hit by 13 rockets last night……I was on the phone at the time to Tracey and I remember saying that the cabin was rocking and that someone must be moving some furniture. Then I had to get up and go to the door to listen to the tanoy giving the all clear and I went back to the phone and remember saying to Tracey that the whole place smelt of smoke but there wasn’t anyone running about and no sirens so it must all be some kind of exercise. Apparently certain kinds of weather stops the Phalinx from spotting the incoming missiles and we just have to keep our heads down…….or carry on chatting to the wife as if you haven’t heard anything ! Several people slept through it as well, which is how I’d like to be when I’m hit by a rocket thank you very much !

Today’s inventory

3 cigars so far………..

0 units

$0 dollars

Weather – the hottest day of my life

Food – a Snickers bar in the fridge, cigar-snickers, cigar-snickers, lung cancer-heart disease, the agony of choice……..

Gym – no gym today, 30 each of press-ups, sit-ups, tricep dips and a sort of pull-up on the upper level of the bunk bed. And about 3 miles of walking in this heat. I have discovered that the Clients security company have got themselves a full set of weights under one of the guard towers (unless it’s the clients) and I shall have to make investigations in the morning……..

Countdown – 9 sleeps till Dubai and 10 till home !

A Topsy Turvey World

Today I went back to site for the first time in a week – which was nice.

I went to meetings, had lunch, went to meetings, took some photos, came home.

Went to the gym, had a cold supper from the fridge, wrote my blog, spoke to my family on Skype and went to bed.

It’s not very interesting when you put it like that is it ?

They gave me a gun…….

Calm down, they took it away again fairly quickly………


The first meeting was with the client who has just got back from leave and is happy with the progress we have made over 3 weeks (so we’re happy…….for mostly different reasons to him, but we won’t split hairs !) We have to go away and design a 25m pool for him now – run of the mill stuff in the middle of the desert but if he wants it and he’s willing to pay for it then who are we to argue !

Lunch was, if you’ll believe me, chicken nuggets, chips, green beans and a dhal poured over the beans……with mayonnaise obviously ! I definitely need to get back to the normality of a sandwich, because, apart from one second-rate burger a few days ago, I don’t think I have had anything between two pieces of bread since I had a Big Mac (testing their theory that they are the same the world over – which they seem to be) at Dubai airport. Normally I would be lucky to go 5 days without one, never mind 5 weeks !

The photos were fun and no doubt will trickle onto various people’s Facebooks.

We drove back a different way today, which took a closer to Mosque that I took a picture of very early on in my stay…..

And closer to a pile of old tanks at the end of the airport which we have seen in the distance every time we have come back to the COB but never been anywhere near before……

I’m off to live on site again tomorrow (I know, I’ve said it before…..) which is really the final stretch before I’m back at the COB and away to Dubai on the first leg of the journey home. We’re nearly close enough to start the countdown……just not quite ready yet.

Today’s inventory

4 cigars – sorry, but there’s a bit of a rhythm developing, which with a bit of luck will be solved by doing something different tomorrow…..we shall see.

$2 – on tea and a big biscuit (with chocolate bits in….)

0 units – although I have to say, for whatever reason, I could do with a drink this evening. It might be something to do with heading home soon or it might be something to do with the end of the day where I think I got caught in the crossfire of somebody else’s office politics (which always hacks me off – why do they have to include me, can’t they see I’ve got my own problems to worry about ? It’s not like I wander about looking like I give a shit !)

Weather – today was a vast improvement on yesterday but I could still feel the sweat running down my back whilst I was standing still, which isn’t very nice, even at the best of times.

Food – I’m starting to get bored with the range of food served here, and before you say it, I know I should be grateful, and I am, but it’s beef or chicken pretty much every meal (except breakfast when we have beef sausages and beef rashers but no chicken – at least I can have my new friend Mr Porridge). Must bring some Marmite back with me !

Gym – back to full speed tonight. I had the whole place to myself and sang along to my ipod for most of my time on the cross-trainer. It must have been dreadful, the sort of gym equivalent to singing in the shower, but it made me happy and passed the time.

Right, time for my bath – NURSE ?

A Foggy Day in Basra

I started badly this morning by panicking because I woke up and groped around for my watch and then made the mistake of looking at it with bleary dry eyes and no glasses – it said 0800hrs. This was followed by a 10 second period (that seemed like a lifetime) in which I panic looked for my glasses and re-enacted the opening scene from Four Weddings and a Funeral, closely followed by sinking back into the pillow with the flooded relief which comes with realising that you had your watch upside down, and it is, in fact, only 10 past 6.

We’ll skip nonchalantly forward in time to opening my cabin door an hour later and being hit by a wall of hot moisture. I suppose, to be realistic, you couldn’t call it fog, you could see through it to start with, and it wasn’t cold and clammy like proper English fog, but just humidity on a major scale. The last time we had “weather” here was a couple of weeks ago when we had some cloud which just burnt off within a couple of hours, but this stuff has hung around all day. Walking backwards and forwards to the canteen at lunchtime (about 15mins each way if you drag your heels……) was an experience, bathed in sweat by the time you get to each end and then dry out in an air-conditioned canteen or office in the same amount of time. They tell me that the weather in Dubai is like this all the time (and my limited experience of this bears this out – about 10 minutes outside air-conditioning) to the extent that drivers have their windscreen wipers on because the windows mist up on the outside !

Getting back to part 2 of Life On the COB. In an effort to become more modern and interactive, and to prove that even the most secret stuff is freely available on the internet, I thought you might like to see this:

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phalanx_CIWS)

Firing at an incoming rocket……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqTyafBaDYM

It’s Thumping Thursday with poor visibility…… never a great combination I’m told, so keep your fingers crossed that we don’t need the Phalinx ! (there are several dotted about all over the place)

I think that’s enough for today. I’m off to site tomorrow so I think I will inflict you with some boring building site things (although it’s Friday so I suspect that not a lot will be happening !)

Today's quiz question, (it's multiple choice):

Was taking a picture of this sign a) brave, b) stupid, or c) taking the piss ?

Answers on the back of a £5 note - the judges decision is final and in the event of a tie I'll be in the Pictuerdrome drinking the prize fund. Lines close at 9, please continue to call after that because I need the money !

Today’s inventory:

4 cigars – cutting down was a good idea in theory……leaving me in a office with a smoker wasn’t !

0 units – again (boring !)

$0 Dollars – I did try and spend $2 on a coffee and a biscuit but someone else insisted on paying. I even gave them the money and they gave me it back – never let it be said I’m tight !

Weather – strangely misty for most of the day. The whole area was on Weather Code Red for most of the day as well. This means that the security companies find proper speeds and distances between vehicles a major problem with visibility down and communications a problem and therefore they can refuse to transport you unless you sign a waiver basically agreeing that if you all get killed then it’s your own fault. It wasn’t a problem for me as I haven’t moved from the COB all day. For the people who had got to site this morning and couldn’t get back however, it was a problem !

Food – nothing remarkable I’m afraid.

Gym – A good, steady sensible session (with plenty of water and electrolyte !)

Countdown – still too early to start thinking about it publicly. I can tell you though, in case I haven’t already, that I am proudly in possession of an e-ticket from Dubai to Birmingham – all I have to do now is track down the return portion of my Basra to Dubai flight and make sure it’s validated for the correct day and get my passport submitted for my exit visa (quite why you need to get a visa to get out is beyond me, maybe it’s the same as having to pay to get into Wales on the SSC ? which reminds me, my Welsh friends have to watch this if you haven’t already seen it……. I still haven’t decided yet if it’s ironic or funded by the tourist board)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNfbX6uvA6s

Night all - X

Life on the COB (part 1)

Without compromising to many secrets (there are hundreds of Iraqis who work here and who deliver here every day – so it’s unlikely to be a secret, well, anything I’m going to tell you anyway). Someone also told me today that you can find all sorts of interesting things on Youtube if you feel inclined………..

As far as I can tell the COB (Continuity Operating Base) was set up by the British in 2003 during and after Operation Telec (the invasion of Iraq) and there are plenty of signs (like the one’s below, of their original occupation – regimental crests painted 10’ high on some of the T-Walls (T-Walls are the huge lumps of precast, moveable, concrete, interlocking walls that are used to surround everything here) as well as other less obvious signs, like labels on doors for ranks that I know are not part of the present scenery.

Not long after the war was over, the companies usually associated with picking the last meat from the bleached bones of a long dead carcass (often know as Aid Agencies, Private Security Companies and “Infrastructure Regeneration” Companies, arrived and set up adjacent to the military base, but under their protection.) All this is taking place in the area directly adjacent to the airport, so there is a certain amount of infrastructure already here, such as roads and buildings (just imagine the area around any airport). As these arrive and set up, so the T-Wall expands…….I don’t know how big the whole place is but it’s a hell of a long way to drive around it !

I’m telling you all this because as I told you yesterday, I have been stuck here for the last few days with very little supervision and a couple of long term blokes who seem to know where everything is – so consequently I have been led a little astray (in the working “unsupervised” category at least). Yesterday they took me to somewhere called Echos. Echos is a big café and looks (from the inside) very nice and very sort of “barny” (see below). It’s run by an Eastern European or Danish (I never got to the bottom of that bit) Christian Charity. They do far better food than you will get in any of the canteens (as far as I can tell) with a much wider selection, comfy chairs and tables, games you can borrow, a pool table, reading material etc. etc. etc.

When I mentioned to the boss that I had been there for the first time ever yesterday she immediately decided that we should all go for lunch – which was nice, and when one of the wags in the office piped up that Gilby was to tight to pay for lunch if he could get a free one (…….I may have mentioned that at some point in the past…..) she offered to buy everyone lunch – which was even nicer ! I’m afraid that I had to have a burger (a little disappointing) and chips with cheese (very nice thank you) but the best thing was hovering up someone else’s pizza when they were full because that was the dogs ! Pizza for me the next time someone offers to buy me lunch I can tell you (who said anything about tight ?).

Echos is in a little enclave of normality (a long as you ignore the sandbags, barbed wire and concrete) with an armoured church, to be seen to be believed,

And shops of varying quality and sort. I didn’t venture into the shops today because I can only take so much excitement at once, but I’m sure I will give them a visit before I’m through this time around.



I’ll take a few more pictures around the COB tomorrow and then we can do part 2 I think (now that I know certain things are not state secrets and that pictures are not necessarily a hanging offence). I’m allowed back on site on Friday and then I think I’ll go down and stay for a few days to try and kill some time before getting too excited about coming home…….

Today’s inventory:

4 cigars

0 units and $0 dollars (thanks to a nice boss’s generosity)

Gym – a good hour at 10% below previous capacity followed by 2 litres of fluid and a huge dinner (to go with the huge lunch)

Food – Huge lunch and a huge dinner. The dinner will stand out for a while because we had Baskin and Robbins Cookies and Cream Ice Cream – hoorah !

Countdown – wait for it………

Other items of note – (drum roll……….) my return flight is booked and I have an e-ticket ! I have also collected my permanent pass from the most miserable American woman, who clearly believes that I should be grateful for the opportunity to piss about for a month so that I can have a piece of plastic which does just the same thing my other piece of plastic does but with a photo – well, whoop dee do. On the upside I only had to be in her company for 2 minutes and 1 of those she was giving someone else a sarcastic bollocking for something he had absolutely no idea about, but he took it very well considering her has to see her again ! I suppose it takes all sorts.

I’ve finished this early tonight so if anything interesting happens tonight then you will just have to wait until tomorrow !

How To Amuse A 46 Year Old

We’re clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel for tonight’s topic but I thought I would try and give you an insight into what I am sure some of you will consider a level of sadness unsurpassed by even me over the years – and will have some of you nodding to yourselves whilst looking around to see if anyone is watching. Generally we’ll try and keep it clean though because I don’t want to have to answer embarrassing questions from my son, who I know tunes in on a regular basis !

Amusement for me, here at least, centres around 3 basic things – the gym, my new “friends” and my laptop.

The need for amusement stems from a need to pass a few minutes, which help pass the hours and into ticking off the days. It also comes from an understanding that very little is going to pop up unexpectedly (which round here is not a bad thing……) or as Norman Stanley used to say “keep your head down, your nose clean, do your porridge and get out”. We chuckled when we got up from dinner earlier this evening because as we were walking back from the office we had agreed we’d meet at 6.30 for dinner. It’s unwritten here that you don’t rush to be on time (unless you are close to being locked out of anywhere, like the COB for instance……) so 6.30 turns into 6.45 and you have passed another little bit. We chuckled because we had managed to make dinner last 35 mins in a self service canteen, and we had only managed 15 mins yesterday – some might consider that a little sad, to us, it’s culture !

Anyway, back to the plot – I haven’t been to the gym for a few days because of the stomach thing and it’s seriously impacted on a number of aspects of my life, time wasting being one of them (anorexia being another – I look at myself in the mirror now and all I see is a fat bloke !) – I could pass an hour and a half getting changed, working out, showering and changing again. Now I have to find something to fill in that time (I’m definitely going back to the gym tomorrow night by the way !).

My new friends are another source of amusement. I am calling them friends without really knowing if I will ever see them again outside of Iraq but they have accepted me, without question, into their little community and just assumed that I can get on and do my job (God alone knows why, but they seem happy enough after a month !). They all have a sense of mischief in their own way, even the boss, and I guess that’s compulsory in this sort of environment. They’ve also, as a rule, been doing this sort of thing for years and are conditioned to the whole process with it’s quirky rules and regulations. They are a bit like squaddies in a lot of ways (and a lot of them are , as I am, ex-squaddies), they know where to get a cup of tea at a moments notice, they can hide all day on a nothing task and they can generally scrounge anything.

Yesterday and today we have been a little free’er with our time and as the shop nearest us closed down today we went on a ride (just borrowed the keys to a Landrover) to find another shop on this vast site. We did actually know that there was one, I don’t want you to think we just wandered off in the vague expectation of finding something. The mission was to find “Del Boys” which I thought must just be a nickname but when we reached it, there it was, a huge sign proudly proclaiming Del Boys – on the site since 2003. (he must have come over the border with the first wave to have been here that long but you have to admire either the luck or the irony, of labelling that sort of entrepreneurial spirit in that way). Briefly, Del Boys is no great shakes but it will certainly provide for my basic needs and seems to have the longevity required to get me to Christmas if necessary.

Today they took me to the Ecos. The Ecos is a café (which I will probably elaborate on tomorrow because I am now planning 2 days ahead - and need photos really), and was almost certainly a British squaddies bar at some point. I had a decent cup of coffee, in a china mug, and a biscuit with bits in (they were supposed to be chocolate bits but I’m not sure……..). They had chocolate there as well, in a chiller cabinet. I’ve resisted thinking about it for 4 weeks but I have missed chocolate and was looking forward to some when I got home – I’m going to be strong though………probably.

It was nice – in the last two days I have travelled further around camp than the previous 4 weeks put together. I’ve no idea why, it’s just worked out that way. I think the boss is going to take me back there tomorrow so I might go really mad and have a muffin with my coffee !

The internet is probably a whole days subject in itself but as I have said before, if it wasn’t for Facebook, Skype and my blog I would have been swinging from the rafters long before now (not that there are any by the way). I know some of you are utterly addicted to some aspects of Facebook, as I am, and some of you despise them with the sort of passion that some women reserve for me ! But out here – they’re a heaven sent opportunity for entertainment and amusement ! I play scrabble with people on Facebook, word games with friends on Skype and indulge myself with my blog (I could get into this writing lark with a bit of encouragement) ! I think we can talk about this another day though so I want to keep my powder dry if I can !

Today’s inventory

A bit like yesterday really, 3 cigars so far, but I enjoyed sitting on the step in my pants staring at the moon and smoking a “special” so I suspect we may push up to 4 again today.

0 units

$1 dollar – on my biscuit (someone else bought the coffee)

No gym – but worried now that I’m getting fat again (have I moved seamlessly from alcoholism to an eating disorder ?)

Weather – boring, and from now on I shall only report on the weather by exception……like the one day in 4 weeks when we had some clouds for an hour !

Food – nothing much, apart from the biscuit. I did mix curry, stir fried noodles and sweetcorn salad together for dinner – that was fun (and tasted scrummy)

Countdown – still to many sleeps to worry about !

Skype conversations with Mohaia – 1 (I promised I’d give her a mention and that I’d weave it in subtly…… well, you can’t have everything I suppose !)

If Only

I remember thinking up a theme a little while ago about all the things I had brought with me that I didn’t need and all the things that I wished I had brought with me but didn’t realise I would need…….if you see what I mean. I think I mentioned it at some point but I’m to lazy to go back and have a look when it was, so you will just have to believe me (unless you want to go back and look and then let me know – they’ll be a small prize for anyone that does !)

Shouldn’t have brought

Top of the list of things I didn’t need is definitely the tie that I found at the bottom of my laptop bag, although to be fair, I’m not sure that it really counts, as although I brought it, and that cannot be denied, I didn’t know that I brought it – it stowed away so to speak, and I think that is the critical point m’lord……..

Second on the list is the jumper. This I knew I brought it but I didn’t know that I wouldn’t need it – however, I’m leaving it in the Gorilla Box because I knew I would need it but I just didn’t know when. It will cold at night in November and December I’m reliably informed, with temperatures dropping as low as freezing on odd occasions. This is probably borne out by the heater and the 2 blankets stashed in the wardrobe in the room.

Another thing, or things, that I haven’t really needed but would probably bring again, are all the DVD’s that I have brought to watch. There is a lot more to do here than you would imagine, what with sleeping, talking to the family on Skype and the internet. Who needs films ! I have watched a few episodes of Blackadder, a couple of the Godfathers and the Life Of Brian but I could probably have lived without them. I have a television in my room and in well over 4 weeks I have turned it on 3 times and one of those was to see what was on (nothing – those of you that complain that you have 300 hundred channels and they’re all rubbish, should have 300 channels in Arabic, then you’ll have something to complain about !). Having said all of that, I’ve just ordered the whole of the Father Ted collection from e-bay because I do think that once I’ve finally finished the Magic Mountain then I will have time to watch DVDs !

I’m sure there is some other crap laying around at the bottom of my bag that I shouldn’t have brought but it is so insignificant that I can’t even be bothered looking for it.

Should have brought

Marmite and gravy granules ! At home I live on toast and marmite for breakfast because I don’t drink milk, and if I ate bacon and eggs at every breakfast, I’d be the size of a house…….so perhaps someone could tell me why in Gods name did I think it would be any better in a Muslim country ? On the flip side however, I have gravitated back to porridge with sugar or honey. Whatever they make it with over here it isn’t real milk so it doesn’t effect my stomach – which is nice. The gravy thing really bugs me – there just isn’t any, ever. Sometimes there’s a sauce in which the beef or chicken is cooked but no gravy. For a man who likes a wet dinner, it’s a disaster – tonight you would have found me pouring spoonfuls of beef bourguignon sauce over my Sheppards pie and chips (I couldn’t resist it, sorry but I’ve got my appetite back and it feels like I haven’t eaten for a week – me thinks back to gentle gym tomorrow !).

I should have bought a camera to bring with me. It was agreed that the family camera should stay with the family and I had considered buying one at the airport, and then I thought it would be cheaper in Dubai where I never saw anything that remotely looked like a camera shop, in the airport or anywhere else for that matter. In the end I thought I could manage with my phone but I had brought the wrong lead with me to download pictures to my laptop (doh !). In the end I managed to borrow one of the firms (which I have to use to take pictures of site progress anyway, so it hasn’t been that big a problem after a while). I am about to buy one on line (…..darling….) and have it delivered to home for when I get back, so I can practice using it whilst we are in France on holiday. I have had time to do plenty of research into relative idiot proof photographic development (that the same as, “getting a better camera than the one I’ve already got, without spending too much money”, well, wasting too much money – but it doesn’t sound as good). Many thanks for my resident photographic genius……who’s actual words were something like “there’s more than enough features to keep you occupied” when I asked his advice on a particular model I was eying up.

I should have brought a day sack (you know, a little rucksack) or a little holdall to move things around in – this will be easily dealt with the next time because I shall only bring something like that back with me, whilst leaving the Gorilla Box here with all my Indiana Jones clothes in (I just thought of that analogy and I’m really rather pleased with it). I will probably dump the laptop bag as well, now the strap has broken and it looks like I am walking down the road with a briefcase (when I say road…….). I’ve got a laptop rucksack somewhere so I can just travel with the two small sacks – and I think we know a song about that don’t we children….

I think that’s enough things I should have brought although I’m sure I will think of something else at some point. There is one more category, which I shall try and keep brief for the moment but might come back to another day…….

Things that I brought which have been really useful.

My laptop, the webcam, my Piz Buin sunscreen, my cheap Decathlon sunglasses and my “trek mate” gadget thingy (it’s a tube of elasticated cloth, which you can make into various things: a hat, a scarf, a bandana etc but for me it has been fantastic as a sort of balaclava. I have been able to put it up over my head, ears, mouth and nose and with my sunglasses on I have been virtually safe from sandstorms - £10 from Blacks and a absolute bargain. I don’t know why I bought it but I’m bloody glad I did !).

Today’s inventory:

2 cigars (but I’m considering sitting on the step with one of my nice ones and celebrating my good health !)

0 dollars or units, or gym for that matter (although I think I might venture back tomorrow night……just don’t tell anyone)

Weather – started cool (which was a pleasant surprise) and then got f***ing hot this afternoon….luckily I was in an air-conditioned office cause I’m still confined to barracks until Saturday !

Food – nothing that I haven’t already mentioned

Countdown – we’re a few days away from single figure sleeps yet, so I think I will keep quiet for a few more days.

I meant to say a few days ago, sorry about the lack of Arabic but I’ve misplaced my book with all the packing and unpacking. It’s here somewhere and I’ll find it eventually – I promise. The same with photographs. This looks really boring without pictures but to be honest because I haven't been anywhere I haven't really seen anything to take pictures of........must try harder !

Nighty night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite (like they do here………)

The Day After Yesterday 2

When I typed yesterdays blog, I was lying in the medical centre with a drip hanging out of my hand (which doesn’t make typing easy I can tell you). This is the story of what happened next………

At 10.00pm the Doctor reappeared and took the drip out, which made life a little more comfortable. He presents me with my drugs for the next 5 days along with instructions (we did instructions several times because he is Nigerian, I’m guessing, and I’m not). “I will come and see you in the morning – do you want me to leave you a key” says he in a passing sort of way………”erm”…..says I, “I thought I was staying in overnight for observation”. This statement is largely ignored as he passes me a key and wanders off down the corridor with his bag under his arm. I want my money back !

There I am in the medical centre, all alone…….. which was a little odd really…….

The thick plottens:

Next morning I am woken by a colleague who has popped in on his way to the office – it’s 0700hrs and no sign of anyone (and I had forgotten to lock the front door so he just wandered around until he found me !). I got up, cleaned my teeth, got dressed, ate my breakfast (which was delivered from somewhere, although I know not where) and sat watching the telly until the Doctor arrived. Only the cleaners got there before him, at 0830hrs at which point I thought, sod this (I was feeling a little foolish at this point), I could be here all day at this rate – so I wandered back to my room, showered, changed and went to the office, and so beginneth the day after yesterday. More with a fizzle than a bang. I never did see anyone from the medical centre but they didn’t come and hunt me down so I suppose they at least had the right information to send someone a bill. It is worth noting though, if you’re ever in this neck of the woods, that you could rock up at the medical centre door, complain of something debilitating that needs observing, get three meals and a bed for the night and then wander off because at no point did anyone ask to see any ID or proof of what company I worked for, or anything……don’t say I never give you any useful tips !

Otherwise my day has been uneventful, with the usual Sunday office boredom which is exacerbated by not being able to go to site. Lots of people returned from rotation today, and more are due in tomorrow so the day is broken up by people coming and going, saying hello to friends etc. On the flip side, some are leaving tomorrow and I won’t see them for well over 6 weeks by the time I get back, and then they’ll be thinking about going again.

We did managed to by-pass the BBC’s iplayer restrictions on the internet and had the F1 GP on the wireless – which was nice, and then I came back to my room and channel hopped until I found the final stage of the Tour de France (with Arabic commentary) – which was funny (Go Cav !). Then out for a trip to the opera, a little light supper, a club and home to bed…….sorry, drifted off there for a minute – dinner and room for blog writing, a bit of “bookin”, the end of Godfather 2, some of my Magic Mountain and lights out by 9.30 I guess.

You never know though, several times since I have been here, friends have popped up from all over the place for a chat on either Facebook or Skype. Both of those have been a God send, especially for the family to chat live on webcams. The kids have enjoyed the chance to see Daddy (I had to go back and give myself a capital D then…..whatever was I thinking), usually lying on his bed semi-naked………I think Tracey has enjoyed those opportunities as well but she’s much to sensible to admit it !

Some acquaintances have emerged as friends as well which has been a pleasant diversion. Some friends have proved that they are friends and some friends have been much to busy…….who shall be getting a jolly stiff talking too when I get home, I can tell you !

Today’s inventory:

4 cigars – well, I was bored….what can I say

0 units – I think my stomach could do with a bloody great Brandy, just to settle it down, and whilst we’re on the subject, I wouldn’t like to add up the number of people who have mentioned red wine in their get well messages and got me wondering……..did I have some sort of reputation ?

$0 dollars

0 trips to the gym – I’m on short rations at the gym for a few days because as much good as it was doing some parts of my body I’m sure it wasn’t aiding recovery of other bits either

Weather – scorchio (again – tut)

Food – hospital food is crap the world over. The problem with that out here is that it’s just the same as most of the other meals we get…….which is a bit of a worry really.

Countdown – days to go…….coming soon !

My photo this evening is of the moon – as full as a great big full thing, not a cloud in sight and next to no light pollution. It just caught my eye as I came back from dinner.



Night all.

A different day at the office

First the dramatic statement – I’m writing this from the medical centre on a drip.

Now for the explanation – my “old” trouble returned last night which meant that when I finally dragged myself to the office this morning I had resigned myself to going to see the doctor. When peoples first words when they saw me were “God, you look rough” you know you have made the right decision.

Anyway, my medic bought me down here and I waited for the doctor to arrive. The medic made himself a cup of tea and tried to divert the receptionists attention so he could stock up his medical bag – apparently it’s a sort of medic practitioners game…….

The doctor arrived and started with the questions, the form filling, more questions, poking the stomach, blood pressure, the whole 9 yards (medical insurance is a wonderful thing). The upshot was, or is, you’re in here for the night Sonny Jim, so we can get your medicine in without it coming straight out again, and you’re dehydrated so you’re staying until we’ve pumped loads of stuff into you……well, the beds more comfy than mine – bloody hurts when they stick that thing into the back of your hand though !

I was feeling very sorry for myself until I found the Ethernet cable under the bed, so at least I can talk to people now.

I have spent most of the day fiddling with the internet having set everything up to listen to the GP qualifying on radio 5, turned it on to listen and then have it switched off by Bernie Bloody Ecclestone and replaced by some moronic programme about football because I wasn’t listening in the UK and it infringed some bloody licence or other. Anyway my ever faithful IT friend seems to have a solution for everything technical and has given me a couple of options to play with – nice man !

Nobody here seems the least bit shocked or surprised that I’m in here, I guess if it’s not an everyday thing at least it’s relatively normal. When my visitors were here they said I was the 6th one on the project (since June) to go down with something, although he wasn’t sure if he should count the guy in the drawing office in Dubai who had a heart attack………….

As I said, I had visitors this afternoon when two of my workmates came to see me when they got back from site – which was nice. It is weird though, and I am sure you have all had the same experience at some point, either as a patient or a visitor, as soon as you sit down you launch into whatever the subject of the day is but you can’t find anything to talk about after the first 5 minutes and there’s relief on all sides when it’s time to go. Still, it was nice seeing some familiar faces.

Today’s inventory

0 cigars – I didn’t bring any with me for some reason but I doubt it will do me any harm, and pushing this stupid stand thing around isn’t easy anyway !

$0 dollars – mind you, God knows how many dollars I’m racking up in here……thank the Lord for company health insurance !

0 units – and today of all days I could do with a stiff drink !

Weather – no idea but I’m guessing hot…..

Food – Chicken AND beef. The brought enough food to supply a small army, to me, a man with a stomach problem and not much appetite. I managed a bit but it wasn’t very long before I started to regret it. They came to me at about 4 just as my drip ran out to tell me that I couldn’t have the next lot of drugs until 6, and did I want them to take the needle out of the back of my hand until then, and then put it back – I can tell you that it’s not coming out until it doesn’t need to go back again !

Dinner was the same. I’m the only person in here so it shouldn’t be beyond the wit of man not to give a curry to someone with a stomach problem !

Gym – nothing today, thought I’d give it a rest for a day or two…….

Hey ho – fingers crossed for a good nights sleep and a cured tummy in the morning.

Time for bed said Zebardee…….boing

The Rainbow Nation

Firstly a big thank you to all of you who, in one form or another, contacted me to assure me that you were still reading this blog and that it was still worth reading. It’s difficult to put into words, and if I do I’m probably going to offend someone but any sort of entertainer needs some encouragement every now and again, even if it’s just a polite round of applause.

Whilst we’re on the thank you trail, can I also thank all the people that have been ringing Tracey or texting her (and I know she’s not the easiest person to get hold of , but it makes my life easier if I know other people are keeping an eye on the bits I left behind.) – and if it’s your wife that’s been doing that then please pass it on for me.

Now, back to the plot: I had thought for some time now (since the World Cup actually) about doing a theme on the Rainbow Nation. Unless I am mistaken, South Africa call themselves the Rainbow Nation because they are colourful and have a colourful flag and a colourful nation (we’ll leave vuvuzalas out of the equation for now – actually, forever, now I come to think of it). My Rainbow Nation is slightly different.

It first caught my attention, and set me thinking, when I left the canteen one evening and was walking back across the car park and I could hear singing, and as it was a Sunday I realised that the singing was actually hymns, almost gospel type hymns. And I asked – as you do…… That’s the Fijians, I was told. Since then I have realised that it’s not just a Sunday night when they are singing (they were at it tonight for instance, which was what reminded me to mention it) and it’s not just or only hymns (although everything I have heard has been along the same lines). What’s so strange about that I hear you ask – well, nothing really, it’s all a bit out of place here though and you have to take into account that they are all massive in one way or another. They generally work for the company that runs the camp that we live on (a sort of hotel) but that company also deals with the baggage and freight handling at the airport next door (their motto is “Doing difficult jobs in difficult places” if you get the burning urge to look them up with your CV !). Besides the Fijians there are other South Sea Islanders, Tongans, Samoans, and more besides (there’s one here who looks, and is the same size, if not the same shape, as Tiny who props for the Saints, and tonight he arrived in the gym in sports kit wearing his body armour and then spend at least 20 minutes on the treadmill with a towel over his head. He then came and lay down in front of me, still with his body armour on, and started to do sit-ups !).

We also have Russians and Italians in the same camp as us although we only really see them at meal times. We have a smattering of American and Canadians, a fair number of South Africans and the Welsh, Scots and Irish are here in their usual numbers. We have an abundance of Ugandans, who all work for one company who man all the check-points in and out of the camp (the cynics amongst us would all like to know what the USA owes Uganda because they are largely useless and would have been shot anywhere else, never mind sacked !) There are Chinese, Thai, Korean and Vietnamese all over the place with more coming in all the time because they have previous oilfield experience (so I’m told), and there are the Indians. The Indians seem, for some reason, to do all the cooking and domestic duties, which does mean that virtually every meal has a curry or a curry theme.

Last, but not least, although I have only seen a couple (one of whom is my boss so I’d better be nice……) are the Australians. I guess there aren’t as many as you would normally expect, because there are no bars, so as a general rule there’s not much work for the average Aussie (as Al Murray says, “breed for bar work” !). I haven’t forgotten the Iraqis, who outnumber us all (certainly when we get to site) but I’ve mentioned them as I have been going along so I won’t dwell on them now. I am sure there are many nations represented here that I have forgotten (Sri Lankans already spring to mind, as we have several in the security teams here) and if I have then I apologise in advance, and I promise I will try harder in future and I’ll certainly mention them over the next few days.

Today’s inventory: (just a small break in transmission whilst the camp got mortared – but we’re back with you live now)

3 cigars – It would have been 2 but I had an extra one whilst we were waiting for the all clear.

0 units

$28 dollars - $10 on a new swanky padlock for my Gorilla Box, $16 on cigars (the shop will have closed down by the time I get back from my next stay at site and what I have now should see me through till the end, taking into account my new austerity regime) and $2 on a big bag of crisps (the same BBQ ones we have in France coincidently). I cracked and opened my Nachos a couple of nights ago but there is still half a bag left so not too bad !

Weather – same old !

Food – Nothing much to say really, I had porridge for the first time in years this morning because it looked like it might lie heavy on my stomach – I might try it again tomorrow because it didn’t seem to have any negative side effects !

Gym – 35mins on the cross trainer. I was going to do some weights but some huge bloke was in there and had monopolised just about all of them and I couldn’t be bothered taking things apart and putting them back together again so I cut my losses and staggered back to my pit for a shower.

Tomorrow I’m off to site for a few days for a change of scenery (well, at least I don’t have to do 3 hours a day in an armoured car whilst I am staying there). Apparently they’ve got real telly there now – which probably means I get the chance to watch BBC World News every day cause it’s the only English speaking channel……..I have put the television on here once in 4 weeks and haven’t missed it one bit.

Almost lastly, I’m not sure if I have mentioned it here before but word seems to have leaked out at home so it must be true – I have agreed to come back for another 6 weeks at the beginning of September. I’m certainly not sure I can keep this blog up for another 6 weeks !

Lastly – here is a picture of a professional pointer and the finished landscape sample – if you don’t understand that then it’s because you’re not my friend on Facebook and you didn’t read yessterday’s blog !

The short one

Tonight’s blog is going to be relatively short. There are a number of reasons for this: firstly, because my family have all gone on a bus trip to the theatre, there will be nobody to ring me in the middle of whatever I decide to do; secondly, because I have forgotten whatever it was that I was going to theme this evening on; and lastly, because I’m not convinced that I am not talking to myself after nearly a month of this.

I can’t believe anyone who is still reading this after nearly a month finds it interesting – the comments have dried up over the last week and are down to precisely nothing, as have comments that were coming in through Facebook and e-mail. This is not a criticism, simply an observation – I know you are all busy people, what with the end of term either come and gone, or looming on the horizon and work and everything else.

There is a very large part of writing this blog that I do for myself. It gives me an hours worth of something to do each very boring evening and it keeps me on my toes with the camera because I am always on the lookout for something that you might find interesting and which will fill in a page – I suspect I wouldn’t do it just as a diary for myself though, I certainly wouldn’t go through the flaming hoops that is the Internet here – I can’t tell you how many times I have had to upload the same photos because the connection has crashed in the middle of it, or how many times I have had to go back and start again because it’s all crashed whilst I was trying to get the spacing sorted out in the final draft (you’ll be pleased to know, before you all start, that I type it all in Word first and then just cut and paste into the blog. But it’s still a pain.)

And whilst we are on the subject of me moaning, you should all be made to type for an hour with a keyboard that is obviously coming to the end of it’s useful life (either that or it’s got sand in it !), on a pillow (because it’s too hot to have on my lap without something under it), sitting up in bed (I have no desk or chair and I tried using the fridge but it made my back hurt) and mostly naked (it’s to hot, even with the air-con on).

So back to my desire to keep this short so that I can watch a film from start to finish for once !

Today’s inventory:

2 cigars – I have cut out my evening one just to see what it’s like, and at the moment it’s fine. I think that’s because I’m back in my room by 7.30 wondering what to do with myself, and lights out by about 9.30 unless something interesting crops up. Things will not be the same when I am sat on my patio at home, on a warm summers evening, with a large glass of red and some chocolate – then it’ll be time to light up !

0 units or dollars

Weather – it was a bit hazy all day today and then when the wind got up after lunch it became very dreary, in a 45deg sort of way !

Gym – No gym tonight. I had a bit of a tummy relapse late last night and decided to starve myself all day to try and get rid of this thing once and for all. One piece of bread at lunchtime (along with lots of water and Gatorade all day in case you were worrying) was what I restricted myself to before dinner. I decided that the last thing I needed to be doing after that sort of day was giving my body a battering !

Food – Thursday night is BBQ night at our camp (it being the Islamic day of rest tomorrow) so I had a small bit of steak, a small bit of pork (I know !) a few potato wedges and a couple of small bits of corn on the cob, Now it’s fingers crossed for the morning ! What I didn’t have were massive bbq’d lobster tails and claws. Lobster has never really appealed to me, mostly because of the price, so I can’t remember ever having had it before, if I have then I certainly can’t remember what it tastes like – I hope they have it again when I’m feeling a bit better, who knows when I will get the chance for something like that for nothing. I can only assume that they are prevalent in the local water (whatever that is) and therefore as cheap as anything else around here.

The rather hazy picture below (you’ll work it out, it’s out of focus, taken from a moving car, through smoked glass and without my glasses on !) I took because I thought it looked interesting. When we got back someone started to tell me about a British war memorial built in the oilfields to commemorate the 2003 invasion – he was talking about my interesting photo ! The upshot was an immediate proposal to divert one day and visit it – I will take security advice on this proposition but I am generally in favour.


The other picture is of one of our subcontractors building a garden. They are doing this because we wanted some samples of the paving they would be using in the “soft” landscaped areas. This is typical of their desire to please and took several hours of several peoples time (who I would have preferred to have been laying pipes on site but we’ll steer away from that). Needless to say, it wasn’t finished when we had to leave so you will have to wait till tomorrow for the finished article (if it does indeed get finished, that being the bit where the locals do not excel). I’ll may even move the ashtray !

As a matter of interest this didn't turn out any shorter than all the others (I just couldn't be bothered to change the title........and I've just remembered the theme I was going to write about as well - bugger !

Feeling Much Better Thank You

Those of you that have been following the delicate movements of my stomach and my nether regions with interest, will be pleased to know that I am now about as normal as I ever am, and all I have to worry about is my usual indigestion – but thank you for asking !

Today’s inventory:

2 cigars – I am trying to cut down, honest, and you know what they say, misery loves company ! I didn’t have a third one today simply by not opening a new packet and I still have the 3 nice ones, waiting for a special occasion…….however, anyone that thinks I am going to give up totally can forget it. I will always enjoy a cigar at some point, the knack will be keeping it irregular.

0 Units – I don’t know why I bother reporting this anymore. I think even you must have grown tired of hearing that I have drunk no alcohol – again. It’s weird, I have gone several days without even thinking about it. I had planned to have my first drink on the flight home but as I will be staying in Dubai overnight with a friend because my flight leaves at 0800hrs I suspect that some strong drink will be partaken of. Besides, I have never, even in my former state, been that taken with drinking before lunch – I mean that’s what the afternoons are for (speaking of which, I need to put one aside, an afternoon that is, for a couple of swift halves of shandy in the Picturedrome when I get back)

$20 dollars spent – I was reciting yesterdays theme to one of my new friends here, about packing and un-packing and the frustration of it all and he said “you need a gorilla box” – well obviously, can’t think why that didn’t leap to mind earlier…..in the end I had to ask “what’s a Gorilla Box”. It turns out that they are large hard black plastic storage trunks (I’ll get back to why you need one in a minute). They cost $25 on the “othe
r side”. Ask Bob to get you one when he next goes to the PX was my advice. To cut a long story short, I have built up some nice friendly relationships with a number of the expat guard force (they’re the Team Leaders and Medics with the security teams that take us out every day) partly because they are ex-military and so am I but mostly because they have the guns and are supposed to be looking after me (which is one of the best reasons I can think of !) one of them mentioned that I wasn’t supposed to be there cause I was supposed to be on site and I said I was sick of the whole business and needed to get a Gorilla Box (cause now I know all the lingo !) and low and behold he says he has a spare one and do I want it ? (turns out it’s almost brand new and “want it” meant $20 but that was cool). So now I’m the proud owner of a Gorilla Box.

So, why do you need a Gorilla Box ? You need a Gorilla Box because you don’t want to lug all of your stuff everywhere and you dare not leave it in a room anywhere, in case they give it to someone else whilst you’re away (as you will recall happened to me). So instead of packing everything into a suitcase or a bag you live out of this chest and then when you have to go away for a few days (or go home for a few weeks) and you don’t want to take your sandy trousers on leave, you just lock your box and if they need your room whilst you are away they either work around your box or move it into storage until you get back. And then, when you have finally had enough of this oven, you just put everything inside it (except your hand luggage obviously) and ship it home as you would a suitcase ! Apparently it’s also good for locking things in that you don’t want the cleaners to see……whatever they may be….. ! Anyway, now I have one and I don’t intend to lug my stuff around anymore, or even most of it home for that matter. There’s barely a piece of clothing that I have here that’s not been ruined by the environment in one form or another so there’s no rush to get that home this time to start with. That includes my trainers…….. (see the cunning link coming up)

Gym – (told you it was cunning !). My trainers are, or would be if there was anyone here that cared, an embarrassment. I have been running in the desert with them for God’s sake ! To be fair, they were covered in paint before that but we’ll gloss over that detail (geddit ?). So they can stay here and I will buy a new pair when I get home to try and keep the fitness thing going in some shape or form before I get back to this austere regime. I had a long hard session in the gym tonight and am pleasantly satisfied with my ability to endure increased CR time and weight. I am having to keep telling myself that I will not get rid of 25 years of abuse in 3 weeks so I need to be a little patient before being ultra critical of my shape – I have also decided not to weigh myself before I get home so I can see the whole effect of 6 weeks hard labour (well, 5 weeks hard labour and a weeks tummy trouble !) Rest assured I will be letting everyone know the results…….if they’re good obviously – the object was to loose a stone whilst I was here and I weighed in at 15st 7lbs the day I left !

Weather – fine and dry, and set fair for a while I’m told……..

Food – nothing really interesting today although to continue yesterday’s theme – I wish I had brought some Marmite………

A couple of quick photos for you today: The first is what eventually happens to anything that used to weight 1.5 tons, now weights 3 tons, and is driven across a building site in the middle of the desert………..

And the next is the wreck of a Russian made armoured personnel carrier. I have noticed that this sort of thing has been strategically left within sight of major road junctions etc. At first I thought that they just hadn’t cleared up properly but I have started to notice that the rest of the area is pretty clear…….like the warning……

Packing and Unpacking

This morning I packed up my troubles in my old kit bag and lugged it all the way down the noisiest and bumpiest road imaginable, to the office. I then collected my body armour and helmet (a must when going out for the day – it would be like not taking an umbrella !), and loaded the whole lot into the back of one of the armoured cars along with my laptop and set off to Never Never Land.

I had cunningly kept my key whilst I had been away for a couple of nights but having lugged all that lot across the gravel to what I thought was my room, I discovered someone else’s kit strewn all over the place and the bed not made. The upshot was that eventually I loaded the whole lot back into the armoured car and brought it all back to the COB because they didn’t have any space for me !

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it’s caused a bit of a ho-ha because we had been promised 2 beds in Phase 0 (in fact we had been “told” that we should be there and that beds would be provided). It now seems that we are lower down the scale than cooks and security guards – which is nice…….(bet they wish they had my wages though !)

We shall see what the morning brings but I’ve just about managed to secure my old room at the COB, I’ve unpacked and I’m not packing tomorrow – for anyone !

One good thing about travelling is that we constantly take different routes at different times so you are constantly noticing different things, one of which is the reason we are all here……apart from the weapons of mass destruction obviously:


You see these drilling platforms (see, I got all the lingo !) off in the distance most of the time and trying to take a picture of a needle in the distance, from a moving car, through a smoked glass window, with a point and shoot camera, with the flash off, is nigh on pointless. But today we drove right past a couple right by the road so I thought you would appreciate a picture !

I also managed to get a far off, out of focus and wobbly picture of Chemical Ali’s Palace – or one of them, I suspect. I remember someone asking for one a while ago but we haven’t been that way in what seems like months.


I also couldn’t resist this picture of the local superstore – it’s a crap picture (because I had the flash on up against the window) but you get the idea. I think he’s opened up to rival the South Rumailah Shopping Centre but he was struggling for business when we drove by !

Today’s inventory:

3 cigars – it has also been confirmed that the shop at the COB is to close on the 27th July……..don’t panic, take deep breaths. We still have one or two people who are able to go into the US base and use their PX, for a while anyway, and there are always people coming and going who could bring me in 100 Villigers………. And a very nice man, who is going home tomorrow, gave me 3 proper cigars which I will need my cutter for (I have 2 here just in case you were panicking…..). Now all I want is a special occasion !

0 Units

0 Dollars

Gym – nothing today. I had such a bad nights sleep that when I finally got to sleep I didn’t wake up till 7.30 and by the time I got back here tonight and unpacked I was knackered – I’ll try again in the morning……

Weather – Windy but not as hot for some reason. I’m going to have baby soft skin when I get back from all this exfoliation though, even if I can’t get the sand out of my ears !

Food – nothing really of note except the beef pie this evening had enough gravy to actually call it gravy……needless to say I got it all down the front of my shirt because I am so out of practice with gravy ! I haven’t opened my Doritos yet by the way…..they’re sitting by the side of my bed – calling to me……….

I have set aside (in my mind at least) a blog day for the things that I didn’t need that I brought and the things that I did need and I didn’t bring. I might add to that by including the most useful things that I brought – if you’re wondering where that strange statement suddenly came from then it’s because I have wished fervently, on any number of occasions, that I had brought some gravy granules with me !

Hump Day

I’m not going to dwell on it but it is worthy of note – today is Hump Day. The middle day of my tour and every minute from now on brings me closer to home (not that they didn’t before but you know what I mean). I shall try and forget about it now for a week but I have tentatively started to make my return trip arrangements !

Today’s inventory:

3 Cigars – but I am going to have to cut down. I bought some more today because I am going back to live on site tomorrow and I didn’t want to run out again and it struck me that not only was I putting a lot of pressure on myself when I was running short but that I had only brought $200 dollars with me (not knowing what to expect in any shape or form) and I was down to $75 (for reasons I shall explain in a minute) and you never quite know when you might need the odd dollar here, and there’s no cashpoint to go and top up at………I’d be surprised if there was a bank……..and even if there was a bank, you wouldn’t catch me going to it !

0 Units

$36 Dollars spent - $13 on cigars, $15 on a cable to be able to watch DVDs from my laptop on the telly in my room at site (I had to put back the one we had “borrowed” from the bosses computer as she will be back in a couple of days and might notice that it’s not working properly…….) and $8 on a huge bottle of indigestion tables (Tums Super Duper strength) and a massive bag of Nacho flavoured Doritos…….bad toad ! If you count cigars for me as a necessity rather than a luxury then the Nachos are the first extravagance I have had since I left Dubai so I think I deserve them. I’m going to save them for a night when nobody can bother me in my room on site and I’m going to sit on the sofa with my feet up and what the whole of Godfather 2 whilst eating Nachos !

Weather – really windy, even at the COB. Work was halted on-site today because of the wind and the sandstorms and the weather has to be pretty bad before that happens (or we allow it to happen more like……)

Food – Nothing really noteworthy.

Gym – 2 trips today, although the second one was shorter than I anticipated because it suddenly got really busy for some reason and (and I am sure you have all had enough of hearing about this) the Imodium I have had to take has given me back my freedom, as well as rather a lot of wind. What it hasn’t given me, is the confidence to pass that wind freely. Still enough about that.

It did occur to me that some of you chaps and chapesses out there may have formed a mental picture of me going to the gym (some of you may have tried to shut it out, which is also understandable). This mental picture may (or may not be, in which case you can skip this bit and go straight to the pictures whilst patting yourselves on the back for being tuned in with me) be based on your experiences with Esporta, with Virgin, with Cannon, or with other similar establishments throughout the country. I thought it would be a nice idea to share a couple of pictures with you so that you could stop worrying about me being molly coddled…………

We’ll start with the outside of the “Skylink Sports and Fitness Club”………….

Your imagination is now rampant with thoughts of Tardises and underground bunkers I’ll warrant……. Sorry to disappoint you………..



Let me tell you, 5 people this evening made it surprisingly busy – where as 0530hrs this morning I was the last one in there after 3 people had finished, and had it all to myself for half an hour (which is great cause I don’t feel feeble in front of some of the larger members of our community !).

I’m back to site tomorrow for a few days so think of me and raise a glass to early evening boredom and my inability to do anything about it !

Sleep tight.

Eat – work – eat – work – eat – sleep

We/ I have entered that phase in a job which I suspect everybody goes through early on, regardless of where they are and what they are doing. It’s not helped by the fact that when I got here everything was flat out trying to get Phase 0 finished on time and now that has mostly been completed and signed off, we have entered a very flat period where technical people are staring at drawings and into holes in the ground and talking in some foreign language (other than Arabic) about things that I am sure are very interesting really.

I raised this issue with John today (John is our Construction Manager) and we had a little chat about it. It appears that I will be staring into holes on his behalf as he is off on leave soon. But it’s ok cause he’s going to give me a crash course into staring into holes and a list of all the possible comments that I could make so as not to look like I haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about – apparently though, this will not qualify me for membership of the Association of Construction Managers (made up name !), but it might get me through phase 1 exams !

Changing the subject – today I saw some photographs of one of the Landcruisers that got “whacked” (technical security term for “blown up”) a couple of days ago by a roadside bomb not far from here. I’m guessing I would have survived ok but I may be on the way home now with clean trousers ! I could try and get a copy of the pictures to show you but frankly it would just set some of you off again – and we wouldn’t want that now would we !

On a slightly related subject – I have just had put up 120 big red and white, skull and Crossed Bones, DANGER signs around the perimeter of the camp.

These show the limit of the “de-mined” area. I explained this a while back but for those of you who weren’t paying attention or who have just got here, before work commenced in this 1sqkm + area, the site was swept for munitions, mines and UXB and well over 1000 items were found and removed or destroyed. Supposedly to a level of 1.5m although an “expert” (and I’ve no doubt he is) told me that this depth cannot be guaranteed and besides we had measured 75cm of displacement caused by wind erosion (it’s what they call “shifting sands” I suppose) recently, so depths can only be given so much credibility. They recently discovered a shell that had gone straight into the sand and not exploded and was just sitting there one morning because the wind had blown all the sand away from around it. Anyway, the point of all this rambling was to show you this picture, which is not a very good picture I’ll grant you. The black dots under the pylons across the middle of the picture are about 50 sheep and goats, and their herder, completely ignoring all of our efforts to show where not to go and just carrying on regardless – there is only so much we can do before they have to help themselves (or do they actually know better than us ?)

Today’s inventory:

3 cigars

0 units

0 Dollars

Weather – windy again tomorrow. I know why they say the hot Moroccan winds drive people mad. They are relentless here and the sand and the heat that they force onto you makes me look forward to a bit of rain when I get home (and before you all say it, I don’t want to be reminded of that crass statement when I do get home and it is raining !)

Gym – relatively tough session back at the COB today. Cross trainer and some weights. Still feeling my way back into it whilst the Imodium does it’s job ! I’m planning 2 sessions tomorrow – wait out !

Food – No bloody noodles !

As I said earlier, I’m back at the COB (and therefore if you’re reading this I really did make it back safely) and will be here until at least Tuesday but I’ll keep you informed because despite my whinging earlier, this blog, and the gym, are pretty much the highlights of my social calendar (and despite what a number of you constantly say, I would be utterly pissed off without Facebook as well !)

A bit of a nothing day

Another boring day at the office

Today was one of those construction days (and if you’ve ever had an extension built or some major decorating project you’ll understand) when, despite the presence of lots of people and great big machines, nothing much seems to happen. We have spent the last few days watching a vast area being levelled, compacted, built up, levelled, compacted and built up again. This is all because, despite the obvious stories that I have been telling you about the weather, when it rains here it really rains in a hurry and the whole site has to be lifted so that the water will run off into the huge ditches that surround the site.

Anyway, today men with theodalites, tape measures and spray chalk have been marking out the areas where trenches are to be dug for sewage, power, water and other underground services, and towards the end of the Iraqi working day (which seems to fluctuate with the wind) a digger came out and started digging trenches. It didn’t seem like a lot had happened all day but I expect the normal level of chaos to be resumed tomorrow to keep us all occupied.

I happened to notice this tyre and wheel lying by the side of the site and I though you would all appreciate the workmanship that has gone into the repair……….



I had to go to another contractors lunch today as they all vie with each other (so it seems) to produce the most expansive, the most expensive and the most extravagant lunch in a portacabin, in the middle of the desert. My stomach, although settling down a bit now, didn’t want rich Iraqi food but we seem to have got into one of those cycles where we have to be seen to be equal to all contractors and it is very rude to refuse lunch. What I really wanted was something simple but it wasn’t to be. Fish was on the menu (see below). It’s a “local” fish and as Basra isn’t to far from the sea (about 15km from the port) I suppose that could be considered local – even though it had travelled about 100km to get to my table. It was very nice, as were all the other huge piles on offer but today my heart wasn’t in it. I’m actually looking forward to going back to the COB tomorrow night for a round of canteen food there, just as a change of scenery you understand (and because I miss their noodles !). I suppose both places have their merits but the prospect of 3 meals a day, 7 days a week for another 3 weeks is not worth thinking about !

Today’s inventory:

4 cigars – sounds bad but the last, and un-necessary one, was sat on the step outside my room with a Geordie and a Welshman just chatting, listening to the golf on Five Live – very pleasant !

0 Units

0 Dollars

Weather – The wind got up again today and whilst it is a welcome change from the searing heat you get with the unrelenting sun, it brings it’s own problems with the sand and dust that it blows around. I went outside the gate for a few minutes earlier this evening to take some pictures of Manhole Covers (as you do) and although it was getting dark it still felt as though somebody was blowing a hairdryer down my neck.

Gym – Still feeling a bit flaccid (on of the words we have developed into new meanings in some bored moments) but I have managed a few press-ups etc. mainly to prove to myself that I haven’t completely lost it by having 2 days off. I’ve given up with the no drugs approach and turned to Imodium for assistance so with a bit of luck we can get back to normal fairly shortly !

Food – I’ve probably said enough on the subject already today.

I’m back on the COB tomorrow and the internet there is actually worst than it is out in the desert so fingers crossed !

A world without water

Today’s lecture is on things we take for granted.

This morning when I woke up we had no water. Admittedly my immediate thought was something along the lines of “Oh God, something’s broken and we haven’t handed it over yet……” but it turned out to be a much simpler explanation – there wasn’t anything in the tank because we’d used it all.

Everything here is either made on site or delivered by lorry (with the exception of the Internet which comes via a huge satellite dish on top of one of the “duck and covers” (duck and covers are upside down, reinforced concrete “U” shapes where you go and hide in the event of incoming fire). Water is delivered by the tanker load, 10’s of thousands of litres a day – and remember there are less than a 100 of us here at the moment.

Electricity is made here by these two huge generators (they switch over periodically so that they do not run all the time.) They have a huge fuel tank for which diesel is delivered on a regular basis. We haven’t been without electricity here yet but I have been in the middle of a power cut at the COB at about 5.30pm when all the power just goes off. As a rule you’re working on laptops or the desktops have UPS (uninterrupted power supplies - back-up battery things that allow you to at least save your work.) The upshot was that everyone just said “Oh, that’s that for a while” packed up and wandered off. (the generators will have sunshades shortly but they are late being made and delivered - it will be a good excuse for another picture at some point !)

We rely so much on our power here, not just for running our computers but our air-conditioning, which is a God send (or so we imagine, I guess we would just have got used to the heat and made the most of nature before it was invented), we need it for our communications because I haven’t had a mobile signal for 3 weeks (a friend of mine tells me on Facebook that she hasn’t had a signal on Vodaphone for 2 days and she’s pulling her hair out……) – so you adapt. My typing has certainly improved, and video calls to the family are fun. God know’s, we would have survived 20 years ago, before mobiles and computers, although I would have liked to see the post office operating from here !

Sewage is collected from a huge storage tank by tanker and taken away and disposed of (I would like to think that is isn’t just taken out into the desert and dumped but it wouldn’t be the first time……)

The food, much the same as everywhere else I guess, is delivered every day and cooked here on site in the kitchen. I don’t know all of the quantities but I do know that my guard force get through 100 cases of bottled water every 5 days (and there are 39 of them).

Anyway, back to the water. It turned out that because the water tank is on the inside of the big wall and it’s filled up from the outside, and the Camp Manager’s office is also on the inside of the wall, he couldn’t see that the tanker that had turned up yesterday was smaller than the tankers that had been delivering previously. This coupled with the usual language problems revolving around rural Iraqi drivers and grumpy Geordie Camp Managers meant that the Camp Manager, wrongly as it happens, concluded that because the lorry was empty therefore the tank must be full. Still, everyone just gets on with it knowing that the best we can do is get the next delivery early (we had no water till just before lunch), and that there’s no point in jumping up and down because it won’t make an ounce of difference.

Here endeth today’s lesson.

Today’s inventory:

3 cigars – It was only 2 yesterday I discovered when I went to get one this morning so technically I am cutting down !

0 units

0 Dollars

Gym – nothing again today. My tummy is still behaving like the big dipper at Alton Towers so I have concentrated on not doing anything to further upset it today, staying out of the sun and feeling better – which I sort of do but another good nights sleep won’t hurt I’m sure.

Weather – same old same old

Food – despite my internal problems, today I really enjoy roast chicken, chips and peas for my lunch. There was something very normal about it – which was nice. I’m looking forward to going back to the COB on Sunday night because we never seem to have noodles here and I miss noodles !

That’s about it for today. There does always seem to be something crop up to base a theme on for the day but if there are any special requests then please feel free to make my life easier !

Another Thumping Thursday

Today I have been trying to keep out of the sun.

I’m also having a rest from physical activities and generally trying to chill-out a bit. Drinking plenty of water and not eating to much. Yesterdays exertions have had a detrimental effect on my digestion and although it’s not painful or causing me any major issues it’s bloody irritating !

None the less, it’s been a productive day administratively. I’ve sorted all my e-mails, did my filing, tuned my telly in, so that I can watch movies on it (although I can’t seem to get sound to come from the telly, just the computer (I am using the 15 pin cable from a normal desktop monitor in case any of you geniuses out there can tell me what I need to do – although it’s not critical cause I have sound one way or another).

The extent of the interest today is probably sending three companies requests for quotes for portable toilets. I’m sorry if I have offended any of my friends in the portable toilet world but I needed local companies………. (I haven’t, as far as I’m aware, got any friends in the portable toilet world…..I just added that bit for effect because today has not been a particularly newsworthy day.)

The other noteworthy thing about today was that I turned over and went back to sleep this morning (I told you it had been quiet !). Because I don’t have to leave for site any more (because I’m already here), I don’t have to sort out my e-mails before I leave by going into the office etc. If I choose to get up and go for a run before I go to breakfast then all well and good (breakfast finishes at 0800hrs so five to eight is my cut-off). But this morning I chose not to get up when the sun came up (about 5) but turned over and went back to sleep, which, considering I had turned the light out at 9.30ish last night meant that when I was finally woken at 6.30 by someone chattering on my radio, I had had a bloody good nights sleep for a change ! I’m looking forward to another one tonight.

When I did get up I popped outside to take a picture of the scene I tried to describe yesterday, which was the layer of smoke laid down by the flaring (burning the gas, which comes out with the oil if you remember) - very Tolkienesk.

On a lighter note, apparently the South Rumailah Shopping Centre was the scene of a suspected roadside bomb today…….I told you shopping was bad for you and I told everyone that not travelling so frequently was a good idea (but it is Thumping Thursday so we should expect these things I guess)

Today’s inventory

3 cigars – Aaaarrrrrrrrrrr !

0 units

$13 dollars – on cigars

Weather – hot, dry, arid, cloudless, merciless, (I stayed in my air-conditioned room for most of the day so yah boo sucks to you Mr Weather !)

Gym – a rest and recovery day today. Rest days are as important in the cycle as any other kind of exercise and although I haven’t enjoyed it as much as exercise (you heard it here first folks) I do need to let my body recover a little as it’s starting to complain (and I’m not getting any younger !) So much so that depending how I feel tomorrow I may take another one for full recovery. I keep telling myself that I have just over 3 weeks left to exercise and it would be stupid to spend most of that either injured or ill. I’ll let you know in the morning.

Food – nothing of note except the craving for a bacon sandwich grows by the day (and I have to say I am now starting, on and off, to crave red wine for some reason……I suspect I just miss it. It’s not just any alcohol, just red wine…….strange….)

And this, by happy coincidence, was 6.30 this evening !

Night night.

Day two in the desert

Masaa’ al-khayr (Good Evening)

I took this picture last night because it’s pretty……….aahhhhhh.

This morning, at 0615hrs, I was collected from the gate of my “prison” and taken for a run – run isn’t really a fair description I suppose as my Personal Trainer (as I shall now refer to him, or PT for short – who is in fact a Scotsman of some 45 years, who’s actual job title is the Site Security Manager but I think he can double up !) advocated that we walk and run until I was properly acclimatised, which he said would take about 3 or 4 days.

I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about as we set of at a brisk jog (I was keeping up well at this point……..) along a compacted track towards the gate. When we got to the gate we turned left off the track onto his “patrol road” which, although not actually knee deep in sand, just felt like it. I should take the time here to explain the conditions, for future reference you understand. At 0615hrs the sun is just rising above what buildings there are in an oilfield and the smoke created by the flaring, it’s still burning off the early morning haze – hence the temperature was a mere 35deg with no direct sunlight. The air is dry, very dry, actually, very very dry, and tastes faintly of smoke (which is hardly surprising really). I’ve been awake since about 0530hrs so I have had time to check when breakfast is and have a few sips of the inevitable water so we should be alright !

Halfway down each of the 1km sides (that’s 4km, on sand, in 35deg dry heat, before breakfast- just in case some of you weren’t keeping up…….) was a gate, so we ran to the gate and then walked for a bit then ran to the corner etc. etc. We were fine right up to the point where he asked me if my throat was dry – I had be avoiding falling down a hole up to then but after that all I could think about was how dry my throat was (a bit like when someone tells you not to think about an elephant when you’re not thinking about an elephant…). I had, up to about 0700hrs this morning, for some reason unbeknown to me, imagined that the whole site was flat. In fact this I now discover is not true, as it seems that everywhere I ran this morning was uphill.

When we got back to the gate for me to be handed back to my other set of guards (after sprinting the last 200m – well, that’s what it felt like anyway) I was congratulated on my efforts – which was nice. Would have thanked him by more than just nodding if only I could have spoken !..............................we did roughly the same this evening, although in the opposite direction. We were joined by several of one of our subcontractors, which was great because it kept the pass down to a relative stroll ! Trouble was, I had thought that we weren’t going out this evening so I had already completed a full set of physical jerks in my room. I must be mad – and woe betide any of you who I meet when I get back who don’t start the very first sentence “my God, you’ve lost weight” !

Other events of note today include cake and counting beds. I have a photo of the cake and I would rather forget about counting beds !



The cake was in aid of someone’s engagement but it did make me think that I must get some biscuits to bring back and have spent many pointless minutes mulling it over in my head as to what I should bring. The Iraqis love sugary sweet things so I was thinking about shortbread, but not in a tin because I would have all sorts of problems getting that through customs etc. I have concluded that I should get one of my friends in the catering trade (COUGH COUGH) to obtain a large catering box of those individually wrapped shortbread fingers that you get in hotels so that they will stay fresh and they should go in my bag without getting stolen by some thieving baggage handler or customs officer !

Today’s inventory:

0 Cigars – there was a breakdown in communications between me and the shop owner – clearly he didn’t understand that I will burn his shop down when I get back because he had no power. Anyway, they are now bought and waiting to be shipped out tomorrow. There’s no sign of the boss that was supposed to fly in yesterday, he’s either changed his flight or has been struck down with something. We shall see.

0 units – no big surprise there. Even if I had something to drink then I don’t think I’d drink it out here. One of the things I am looking forward to is having a drink with friends believe it or not. I don’t see it in a noisy pub either. Maybe relaxing in the garden, or at least outside a noisy pub, but I think the key word is relaxing.

0 dollars spent – I guess I will have to part with some tomorrow though for the cigars.

Weather – very hot today, or at least it felt like it. There was no wind and very little humidity so it felt (and I want you to try and imagine this, but children, I don’t want you to try this at home) like that blast of hot air you get when you open the oven door and the fan has been on for a couple of hours……….only it’s like that all day here. Alternatively you could rig up something that means you could wear your hairdryer taped to the top of your head and going flat out on full heat. Try that for a couple of hours, it will give you a good idea.

Gym – 2 x 4km runs through sand in 35deg heat (and it was all uphill honest……) and the same set of exercises as last night although I put several heavy things into the briefcase before I put my body armour over it tonight because I wasn’t feeling enough pain !

Food – I have attached a picture of my new canteen for no other reason than I took it. The food here is the same as all the other meals – chicken or beef (although there was fish at lunchtime – I chose chicken !). I’m still, for me anyway, eating a phenomenal quantity of fruit and veg – it better be doing me some good or I’m straight back on chips and beans !


tiSbah ^ala khayr (Good Night)