24 hours in Two Halves

Today started with me waking up in the second of four different beds and wondering where I was for a few minutes…….It all comes back to you eventually I suppose and I’ve become better at not being surprised when I can’t remember where I am for a few waking moments – I guess I should be grateful that it’s not drink related (I’m not looking forward to my first hangover, and you can all stop thinking bad things about me cause we all know it’s going to happen !)

I was back at the COB on leg one of a three phase escape plan – I am sitting typing the first half of this mid-way through Phase 2 (I’m in Basra airport having gone through all the formalities in less than 20 minutes and have now been killing the best part of two and half hours in the departure lounge with no bar and a tiny duty free shop. All current indications point to the plane leaving at 1630hrs as planned…….we wait with baited breath ! (post event note – revised o leave at 1700hrs and eventually left at 1730 but I would have taken that at any time)

I have been basically killing time all day. I had one handover report to write this morning and thought I would get it out of the way early and then I would have the rest of the morning to do what I wanted. So having woken up at six I decided that I would breakfast and go to the office early to get it done only to discover that the internal door was locked and I had to doss around until eight before I could even get into a desk. The upshot was that I finished work at about ten and decided that the only thing to do was to go to the gym. I did 45 mins on the treadmill before I got bored and decided that enough was enough (I have a lovely sweat soaked set of kit as a present for my wife when I get back – 24hrs in my bag should just get it going nicely !).

Then lunch and more hanging around, then back to the office to get taken to the airport, where I hung around some more (I’m now an expert at wasting time……). I’m now hanging around at the airport !

Part two of this story should see me in Dubai, taxi to a friends flat and then dinner in the pub opposite his apartment. Then up at 0530 to be at the airport for 0600 for check-in, shopping and flight to Birmingham. I’ll fill you in on the evening the next time I can get onto some free internet.

Part 2

I’ve arrived.


Briefly, Dubai was a few glasses of red wine and a bit of pub grub with some friends and work colleagues after getting to my friends flat at about 9 in the evening following one of those hairy taxi rides (we went past the traffic courts at 120kph in a 60kph zone whilst the driver was on the phone, which I thought was possibly bordering on foolish but what do I know…….). I then repaired back to my friends flat at 11.30 for a sensible early night – well, that was the plan anyway. I got to bed at about 1.30 after rather a lot of brandy with a 5.15 alarm call programmed into the phone (but we have a pointing picture……). That bit was a struggle but the upshot was that I got to the airport hours before I could have done, dropped my luggage off and was through security in a matter of minutes. It’s then up the escalators to the shopping mall – where chaos reigned. By 7.30 I was panicking that I didn’t have everything I needed and it would all be a disaster…….but I ducked and dived, dodged and weaved and damn well got it done, achieving the greatest victory since the Winchester Flower Arranging Team beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to 1 !

A long flight back, the usual wait for luggage (we’ll gloss over the other smelly noisy passengers and leave that for another day I think……). Shouting children with a big banner saying “Dad” and I was back – a sandwich and a drive home, Close your eyes for the big surprise……




Chinese takeaway, couple of glasses of red and the rest, as the say, is history.

I’ve lost 2 inches off my waste and just under a stone in weight for those of you that are interested…….and my huge bed never felt so good. A big thank you to one of my regular readers for my welcome home gift – I shall put that to very good use this evening when I get reacquainted with my BBQ.

I’m back out on the 5th September with “Who the Hell Are Leicester Tigers” ringing in my ears and by popular request (although I’m willing to negotiate……) the blog will return. It will probably have a different name so keep an eye out for the new link. The paperback version will be in the shops soon……..

A massive thank you to my family for keeping it all in perspective and to my followers (is that the right name ?) some of whom commented in one way or another, and some of whom read it incognito – they’re the one’s who’ll not be basking in the reflected glory when I win a booker prize, and don’t say you weren’t warned.

Summary to Sunday Night

Lewis suggested that I do a summary of all the inventories that I had done over the last 6 weeks – which I thought was a really good idea (the rest of you should be ashamed, being out thought by a 10yr old – a very special 10yr old I’ll grant you, but none the less……)

I think it’ll be wise to discount my night in Dubai for the moment as I haven’t really got any idea what to expect, or I will get there so late that it doesn’t matter (and I am acutely aware that the flight leaves at 0805hrs and I should be there at about 6 if I want to do any shopping, so missing my flight is not a very bright option !)

So, here goes -

44 days (45 if you count one more night in Dubai)

28 nights at the COB, 14 nights on site, 1 night in hospital, 1 night in Dubai, 1 night on an airplane.

1 unit of alcohol (a small glass of pink champagne which, as you’ll all know, I didn’t really enjoy, but I took it to be sociable)

$194 in cash on cigars and other bits and pieces (that’s about £125)

Cigars – 115, that’s less than 3 a day on average which considering it’s my only vice out here, I don’t think that’s all that bad. It’s funny, whether everyone else has the same thoughts or this is just where you come if you smoke, but the ratio here is probably 50-50, certainly higher than I have seen it for a few years.

Gym – 27 trips to the gym in 45 days that’s more than 1 every 2 days, which considering I was ill for a week and spent 2 weeks in the desert isn’t bad either really. They have stopped us running around the perimeter of ROO Camp for “security” reasons, even when we take an armed guard with us, so the opportunities for exercise have been limited and motivation has been a problem. There is something about getting changed and “going” to the gym that gets you up and moving, and whilst you are there you might as well do all the right things and make the most of it. It’s not quite the same as doing press-ups in your room every night.

Weather – mostly it has been burning hot. The highest temperature measured, but not that accurately, was 64deg. I have no idea what the lowest was I’m afraid. We have had several sand storms and one thunderstorm followed by a torrential downpour that lasted a good hour. We had one morning of fluffy clouds (and this afternoon had clouds, although you wouldn’t call it cloudy) and one day where the humidity was so high it was like fog, but not as we know it. We’ve had high winds and light breezes, and days where it’s so still, the heat just goes straight through you and it’s like turning on a tap as the sweat runs down your back.

Food – I’ve had good, bad, but mostly indifferent. We went through a period at the COB when the Chef ordered 700kgs of prime fillet steak (instead of 70kg) by mistake where we ate like Kings every night – BBQ nights were especially good. Some of the curries stand out, along with the evening where they cooked noodles to order. Breakfasts have been the downside, even with the crunchy American streaky bacon that has appeared at Phase 0 lately, it’s not the same. It’s also very easy to eat too much here and not take any exercise because you can have 3 courses to every meal and as much as you like. There aren’t really any snacking between meal opportunities, and of course no drinking, but you could easily put weight on here if you had a sedentary job – and I have seen some very good examples !

Lowlights – I guess my illness and night in hospital probably cover that element alone. I felt so wretched when they said I had to stay and be put on a drip, and very lonely too, but then again I was ill so I guess I wasn’t likely to be my usual happy self. I haven’t really enjoyed our client either – he’s a bully and I’m fairly certain that he doesn’t like me, because I’m indifferent to his bullying and I think that doesn’t suit him. I had a long chat with my boss this afternoon before I came away and we have decided (subject to things not changing whilst I am away) that I will do more of certain roles and less of others. I think there’ll be a general shift in several jobs so that we can have a permanent client face and some people who get on and make things happen. We’ll see when I get back, because there is plenty of time for it all to change again !

The internet is another lowlight, but also a highlight – you forget how dependant you are on it, it’s your only contact with home most of the time because the mobile phone systems are so erratic and there are no other ways of speaking to home – God only knows what the postal system is like here ! But when it’s working, and working well, it’s wonderful and it gives you endless opportunities for entertainment and for contact with civilisation.

Highlights – most of my highlights are little things, talking to home on Skype, finding a new shop on the base after being here for a month, my first drive out into the desert in an armoured car (that’s a bit sad really but I am struggling for highlights whilst I sit here…………). The weather was amazing when I first got here but it just became part of life, and then a drag after that. The pizza that I have just had was also a highlight – it cheered me up a bit as I was starving and I’d hit a bit of a low with the internet not working properly (see above) and the anti-climax of sort of setting off home but not really getting very far, if that makes any sense…….we are all going through a particularly difficult phase at work as well, for a number of reasons that I won’t bore you with, and I thought I would be even happier to get out but I guess I am just a team player……………..actually, I’ve just read that back and I’m going to leave it in and see what it looks like after a glass of wine tomorrow – should at least make me laugh !

Personally I think the main highlights are yet to come, and getting out of Birmingham airport at about quarter past one on Tuesday will be one of them – the rest you will just have to guess.

Oh, and this is the 47th blog !

Diversion Tactics

Before we get onto the meat of the subject I would just like to share tonight’s dining experience with you. We were promised a BBQ, which is what we got, King Prawn and pineapple kebabs, pork steaks, burgers, rib eye steaks, baked potatoes, salads, sauces and jelly and ice cream – I’m stuffed !

We ate outside as well, which was sort of nice but when you are used to eating in an air-conditioned dining room it’s a bit of a shock to the system to be in 30+deg heat with the sound of an enormous generator rumbling away in the background. As with all these occasions we are the last to leave and they end up clearing away around us. We generally do this because there is very little that’s attractive about going back to your room at eight and playing on the internet or watching another film. I’ve tried going to sleep early but it just means that I wake up early, and then lay in bed trying not to go back to sleep because I know I’ll oversleep if I do. I have to be up tomorrow at about 6.30 to go with the client on his early morning walkabout – I have to take one for the troops as it’s my last day.

His walkabouts are notorious – he asks questions non-stop until he finds one that you can’t answer, then he piles in – you end up on the radio to one of your staff trying to find the answer out instantly whilst the whole of your team waits…… to be fair we have generally been waiting since about half an hour after he sets off (most people can do half an hour before he finds something). It’s a sort of morbid fascination – if I’m due out I spend the night wondering what I should have mugged up on before everyone went home today, so that I can have some more answers ready just in case. It must be like being a politician, always having to have all the answers at your fingertips just in case.

What’s all this got to do with diversion tactics I hear you all cry – well, during our after dinner cup of tea discussion we were talking about diversion tactics for naughty children – you know the sort of thing

“wail wail I wan a bicut wail wail”
“oh look, spoon…..”
“eeh ?”

One of my colleagues has a term for it, he calls it Squirrel, as in

“oh look, a squirrel”
“where”
“oh, it’s gone now”

The discussion meandered around to using diversion tactics when the client asked difficult questions – the favourite being

“oh, sorry, the phones vibrating – won’t be a sec”

or if you have an ear piece for your radio then

“hang on – there’s something coming through”

and then in both cases jabbering away quietly whether there was anyone there or not, until he gets bored and walks off.

My personal favourite was just taking a ball out of my pocket and throwing it, but that was deemed unprofessional, although it was agreed that it was likely to result in the best facial expression from the client……..I might try the squirrel one though, I think that’s got mileage, although I will probably have to use a lizard as there isn’t a tree in sight !

The worst thing is knowing that, like I was this morning, everyone in the team is waiting by their radios for the first sign of weakness, and trying to keep a straight face when I realise I am going to have to get on the radio !

I though I would treat you to some site photos from one of the towers. Those of you that have been following this drivel for 6 weeks will be able to remember what it looked like 6 weeks ago, and those of you that haven’t, will be able to go back and have a look. And before any smart Alec says that it doesn’t look much try and remember that we have had to raise the whole site by nearly 2 metres !






Today’ inventory

1 medium sized cigar and 3 small ones – I had two different suppliers today because I can’t rely on anyone anymore – tusk !

0 units and £0 dollars – tomorrow is going to cost me though, as I had to promise a pizza and a milkshake to someone back at the COB to get a job done.

No gym – but I had to have a shower at lunchtime as I was soaked with sweat after spending several hours out on site so that must count for something ?

Weather – bloody hot again, in a burning sort of way. I had to put suncream on my nose at lunchtime, which is not the sort of thing you do when you're panic tanning before going home !

Food – BBQ and Ice Cream (and jelly)

Countdown – 1 desert sleep, 1 COB sleep, 1 Dubai sleep – I’ve tried very hard not to keep talking about it today because I know how irritating it got when other people were going home earlier and I wasn’t – I‘m not sure I can do it tomorrow though……

Tomorrow I thought I would do a summary of my inventory (because Lewis suggested it) for the whole trip along with my highs and lows (one of the lows is likely to be the sand in my keyboard, but you can’t see how many times I have to go back and retype words because there are letters missing – mental note to self, must remember to hover keyboard when I get home !) and Monday’s is likely to be typed at the airport (or even on the plane) concerning my night out in Dubai and posted on Tuesday morning (probably) and then Tuesday’s will be very short !

Evening All !

And Tonight’s Specialist Subject is……..

Completely unknown………I’m at a loss, bereft of ideas, an empty vessel floating on a sea of inertia. On the up-side, I've started Sunday nights blog and Monday and Tuesday's should be easy !

I’ve got some photos that I promised Amy I would take the next time I was around at the security compound, so we could start with them and see where it leads us……

Some time ago I commented on the new air-conditioned dog kennels which we’d been making for our explosive sniffing dogs, and that they were better looked after than us because they have somewhere to exercise. Well, I went over to see them today because I’ve heard a lot about them and here are some photographs of them at home (it’s a bit like Hello Magazine). I’m afraid I don’t know their names at the moment so don’t bother asking me ! (I have heard their names in the past though, and they’re Western names not Arabic which I thought was interesting)



We use them as part of the search teams at the gate, but, and I didn’t know this until now, the Iraqi Muslims have a major problem with dogs and we had uproar at the gate when we started using them the first time, because the dogs we standing with their front legs in the cars and sniffing around the seats and the things that were being left in the cars when the occupants got out to be searched……and don’t get me started on what happens when a dog sniffs your lunch and you’re a practicing Muslim over here ! I will have to talk to my Muslim friend when I get back about all this and try and understand whether is an international problem or just an Iraqi one.

The upshot is that the dogs can sniff around the car with the occupants in it and the windows down, and then the occupants all get out and go and sign in and the cars are then searched manually by two specialist searchers.

We use the dogs for other things as well, such as searching some of the thousands of cubic meters of fill we have been using to compact the sandy ground to an acceptable level to dig trenches in (you’ve all tried to dig deep holes on the beach, well this is a thousand times worse because the sand is not intrinsically wet underneath the surface – we also have to put thousands of gallons of water onto it whilst we are compacting it). I’m drifting off the subject a little. This stuff comes in from outside, in lorries, gets dumped in roughly the right area, then it’s spread out by diggers and at this point we turn the dogs into it. They can sniff out bullets and bits of old munitions, and if there aren’t any, then handlers will go and hide a couple of bullets in the dirt so that they always find something and get a fuss made of them. It’s quite nice to watch them whizzing about, their tails going ten to the dozen……

You will notice from the photos that they’re all completely different and it was quite funny to walk past the German Shepard, the Labrador and end up with the scabby yapping mongrel – I guess it takes all sorts, even in the dog world !

Today’s inventory:

1 cigar – I’m out and the usual supplier didn’t come to work today because it’s Friday and there’s nobody for him to manage when the subbies don’t show up. I might well have lost my sense of humour by the time I have a site meeting in the morning at eight – time will tell, but if we have any childishness then the fur will fly !

0 units and $0 dollars

No Gym

Weather was hot hot hot (so get a grown up to help you get it out children !)

Food – there’s nothing wrong with it but it’s just getting a bit repetitive, however, tonight there was a sign up advertising a BBQ tomorrow night with all the different meats and kebabs, and salads, and baked potatoes……..and Ice Cream ! It’s my last night here for a few weeks so it would be nice if it went off with a bit a bang (but not literally thank you) although it’s the first time we’ve had one here so I’m setting my expectation levels somewhere between flame grilled and charcoal, but I’ll do it with a big smile on my face !

Countdown – Two ROO Camp Sleeps, One COB sleep and One Dubai sleep. I think tomorrow night will feel like I have started the journey home and I think consequently it will be very difficult to concentrate all day on Sunday (mental note to self – don’t fall down a trench and break your leg !)

And on that cheery note I will bid you all a very good night.

A Sad Day

Today got off to a difficult start as one of the clients security company’s Local Nationals died in his room late last evening. This would explain the crashing and banging that I heard at about 11 last night as I put out the light to go to sleep, and all the frantic radio traffic that was going on. (I believe he died peacefully and the crashing and banging was them trying to revive him - just in case there is any confusion and you though he was being beaten to death or something)

I was never worried about safety or security as the noise didn’t have that feeling to it, and as with all these things, I went to sleep and missed all the formal wailing and chanting as they took the body away in an ambulance with the police in tow.

I am not sure of many details (well, none of them actually, except there is a spare bed now, I think we can be sure of that). I am pretty sure that he was 23 and that he had complained of not feeling very well at dinner and they found him at 11 when he didn’t turn up to a briefing. After that it’s all a bit sketchy, and the people I would normally go to for gossip are the people trying to sort out the repercussions, so it would be slightly insensitive to arrive asking questions…..at least until the dust settles anyway.

The Security Company here on site has now entered a 3 day period of mourning until the funeral, which isn’t effecting us particularly because we use a different security company, but for the client it’s a pain as they are only performing basic guard duties, so no driving or escorts, which means the client is confined to barracks until after the funeral. We have offered assistance where we can but it’s only really emergency assistance and then only if we are going that way anyway (mainly the COB for people needing to get flights etc. or paperwork and other supplies) so we are all prisoners together. It’s a very serene atmosphere though because it’s a close knit sort of community and we have been used to the guard shift that isn’t working sitting around chatting and smoking, or going off to play football on our building site (we don’t mind too much, because where they play we haven’t dug trenches yet and it’s over seen by one of their spotlights, and it’s flat. It keeps them off the street I suppose. But at the moment it’s all very quiet……

Other than that, today’s had a bit of a Saturday afternoon feeling about it, mostly I suspect because it’s Friday tomorrow (Islamic Sunday) and there won’t be that many people on site anyway, so they packed up early and disappeared. They do that somehow, just disappear. One minute it’s a busy site and then you turn around and they have all gone. Maybe they’re like that on building sites the world over and it’s just my lack of experience showing through.

They don’t do it on mass either. I sat and watched them one day, out of curiosity, and the drift off in one’s and two’s, and then a digger will roll off the site and there will be four in the cab, then you will take your eye off them for a second and voomph, the rest just seem to evaporate. They’re supposed to be working 2 shifts at the moment, but I have only seen that on a few days this week, although the weather did put a stop it yesterday, there was hardly a sole about when I walked around the site at 4 this afternoon. It remains to be seen what will happen as the month goes on, but Ramadan is approaching next week (just after I have left – how lucky is that !) and then they’re not supposed to eat or drink from one hour before sunrise till dusk. With sunrise being about 5am here, they can pretty much survive until lunchtime before they keel over – which just seems daft to me, and not particularly helpful. Anyway we have one shift working Ramadan hours at the moment so everybody gets used to it. We have also tried to get some idea of numbers out of the subbies as to who will be fasting and who won’t, so that we can try to plan works involving non-fasters in the afternoons after all the fasters have gone home or keeled over……..I hope you’re keeping up with all this…..

We have to watch out for people swinging the lead though, and I am assured that they will try, by saying they are going to fast and that they have to go home at 12 and then going out for dinner. The best lot we have is our own security company where pretty much half want to fast and the other half don’t want to. Simply, we put the half that fast on at night so they can eat all night and sleep all day and the half that don’t want to fast on during the day when it’s not a problem for them to eat and drink – easy peasy !

As I said, I leave 2 days before Ramadan starts and get back 3 days before the celebrations begin for the end – and no planning involved………now all we want is the lottery numbers to come up and my life will be complete !

Today’s inventory:

2 Cigars – I’m down to one with a promise of more coming in tomorrow…….watch this space for a grumpy bastard if they don’t !

0 units and $0 dollars – I handed over the scotch to someone who can make better use of it than me – the idea of me drinking it never entered my head, it’s disgusting to me for some reason but I sure I’m grateful for whatever the reason is. I’d have bet you 6 weeks ago that I would be willing to drink lighter fluid by now but I’ve surprised even myself with my lack of need. I’m going to murder one when I get home but up till now I’m quite comfortable without one.

Gym – nothing, and nothing till Sunday by the look of it. I will have to go on Monday before I go to the airport as well, just to make it feel like I am trying, which means I am going to turn up at home with smelly sweaty gym kit, which is a great welcome home present I’m sure you will agree !

Food – again, nothing to write home about although I am in the bosses good books cause I have laid my hands on some Snickers………

Weather – blazing hot after yesterday

Countdown – three sleeps to the COB, one to Dubai and one more to Birmingham.

Share tip – Buy BP

Today, I completed the whole set of travel documents – Passport, Exit Visa, Paper ticket from Basra to Dubai and electronic ticket from Dubai to Birmingham. Just a few more sleeps and a bit of luck and I’ll be shouting at the kids just like the rest of you !

I haven’t got any photos for you today because I haven’t seen anything that interests me but if you’ve got any requests, bearing in mind where I am, so be realistic please, then shout, because the next time I come back the whole site will look completely different.

The Team

Today, at the suggestion of my family, I thought I would tell you a little about the team I am working with here, both on site and back at the COB. I have always tried to shy away from naming names, both corporate and personal, so that both for security reasons and for my own personal safety (i.e. they can’t take offence at any thing I write if they should happen to stumble across my blog) I can avoid compromising anything.

I won’t put up an organisation chart because that would look a little anal, therefore if you have any questions you will have to ask – just try to imagine little lines connecting everyone if that helps.

At the top of the Chart is our Project Manager (PM), an Aussie, roughly my age, with over 5 years experience out here. She has overall responsibility for the project. Under her there are a number of direct reports, the Construction Manager (CM), an expat from “up north” (and also roughly my age) based out of Dubai when he's not in Iraq. He is a Structural Engineer by training with loads of experience working on site. Then there’s me – nominally I am a Quality Control Manager (QCM) for 50% of my time and the other 50% is shared between Construction and Project Management depending on who is away on rotation at the time. This week I are be mostly a CM and a QCM (because the CM is away on leave). Last week I was a Project Manager and a QC Manager. Next week I will be happy not managing anything !

Also under the PM are a stream of Iraqi Engineers and Surveyors, they cover all of the disciplines across the site and generally there are 2 of each covering 2 shifts. The are all managed by a Construction Site Manager who reports directly to the PM. There are Mechanical & Electrical Engineers, Structural and Civil Engineers as well as Health & Safety Managers and Quantity Surveyors (I always put QS’s last because I have known so many over the years that should be put last, that it’s become a bit of a habit – it must be said that I haven’t seen them in their natural habitat before and the difference is generally very good, as they no longer have time to interfere with everyone else’s jobs because they’re to busy doing their own. Only time will tell if they can stick to that !).

We have a Planner, who is way more than that, and has masses of construction experience and who has been a great help to me – he likes detail, which is nice because I hate it ! He only has one fault, he’s Welsh, but you can’t have everything ! He lives in Bahrain and has just gone home on leave and I miss his acidic whit, as well as the rumours that he seems to be able to conjure up from nowhere (he lives on the COB and seems to have a finger in everything) – he’s rarely right but again, you can’t have everything and he is entertaining. He’s the one that thinks I’m the peace keeper in the team so clearly he’s mad !

We also have a Health and Safety Manager (who is South African and bunks with me at Camp Zero and is also teh same age as me and a Grandfather 3 times over) and an M&E Manager. The M&E Manager tends to spend more time at the COB for reasons known only to himself, but he’s Irish and quite young, from Dubai and I think he likes his creature comforts. We also have QS who is there to deal with contracts and variations (he’s from Gloucester but we won’t hold that against him for now……). He has to be very IT based with the systems out of Iraq so invariably has to be at the COB. He’s useful to know because he seems to have been around the COB longer than anyone else I have come across and can tell you where to find just about anything.

It is worth saying that I haven’t really found one that I don’t like (there’s a couple I wouldn’t want to get stuck in a lift with but again, that's a story for another medium !)

Above the PM is the usual structure of people who have been promoted to get them out of positions where they can do some real damage, and a further structure based in Dubai who are supposed to support us but generally hold things up and lose paperwork so that we have to do everything twice. The less said about those two elements, the better, although it has to be said that if you can actually find out who makes it all work (as I think I have) then it helps a great deal to grease the wheels.

Today we have been graced with the presence of two of our great and good, one of whom I distrust immensely and the other I quite like but who is rarely in Iraq as he has other countries to look after. So we’re been on our best behaviour so far (they’re staying the night so I will have to be on my best behaviour tomorrow morning as well !)

That’s it really, the system of rotation does not help at all because you could do with some continuity, but if you stayed out here too long then you start to get a little crazy. You also start to think that you know everything which is a pain, and does cause some resentment amongst those of us who are just trying to do our jobs. Why people feel the need to constantly tell you about this time in 2003, or that time in 2006 blah blah blah - it can just turn into one big dick measuring contest if you’re not careful.

Today’s inventory:

3 Cigars – probably. I’m writing this before dinner for reasons you will note when you get to the weather section, so I may have to have another one (I’ve had 2 so far) before bed

0 units and $0 dollars – although I was presented with a bottle of scotch today as a preset from a contactor but as some of you will know scotch and I don’t get on so I’m going to give it away at some point in the near future (when the heat is off and the bosses have gone home)

Food – boring boring boring. I am going to go on a chocolate hunt later to see what I can dig up !

Weather – what a day…….. started overcast and Tolkein like, got very hot and sticky towards mid-day then all hell broke loose – thunder, lightening, massive dust storm, torrential rain and then more wind and rain. The temperature dropped by 20 degrees at least and suddenly became pleasant. I am waiting for it to go as fast as it came but it doesn’t seem to want to !

Gym – nothing again and I am starting to panic that I might get fat……not very likely I grant you but worth worrying about !

Countdown – Four sleeps till I leave site, one more to leave Iraq and one more to get home from Dubai. I forgot to mention that I’m not playing musical beds tonight because we found an extra room for the management to stay in !

We have had no internet all day so you may have to read two on the same day if it doesn’t sort itself out (apologies for those of you that read this with their cornflakes !).

POST WRITING NOTE:

I have now found out that the Camp Manager (our client) had changed the password to limit who goes onto the internet and is only giving it out to people he can trust (read "friends"). When I found out it took me two minutes to get it from somebody which is why you're reading this. It might just be me (because I've had enough and want to go home) but that seems really childish and I've made a note of it and will "wreeek my rewengee" at some point in the near future - which is clearly not childish at all.........

No Idea

Today’s inventory:

2 cigars – actually it’s more like 2 and a half but then yesterday was only one and a half…….. so it balances itself out really.

0 Units and $0 Dollars

Food – absolutely nothing of any note (or interest for that matter)

Weather – started overcast and still, by lunchtime it was phenomenally hot with a breeze that made it feel like you were standing in front of a massive hair dryer. One of those days where it’s a pleasure to be indoors ! It catches you unawares that sort of weather and it’s how you get to much heat without realising it. My colleague and I both had headaches this afternoon……..

Gym – sweated enough walking up and down the site. I am looking forward to going to the COB for a night before I fly out to Dubai just so I can go to the scabbiest gym in the whole world – how sad is that (or “who are you, and what have you done with Ian Gilby”).

Countdown – 6 sleeps to Dubai and 1 more to home

You deserve a photo so I thought I would put up one of our Health and Safety Manager hard at work – you wouldn’t believe me if I told you it was not even 0700hrs when I took it (the fat bloke is still leaning on his shovel !)



I started the blog today with the inventory because I have absolutely no idea what to write whatsoever and was hoping that by the time I got to the end of the inventory I would have thought of something interesting to write. I guess we will only know whether I have been able to eek out 2 pages when we finally get to the end.

I am sitting on my bunk in my room passing the day, which started badly and got steadily more boring as it went on. This sounds like a bad thing but believe me after the start, boring was better ! One of the problems here (and completely unrelated to my bad start to the day) is that you always seem to need a shower – every time you go out you get sweaty and covered in sand and then you dry out as you sit in your office or your room, and then you go through the whole cycle again, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day. But you can’t spend your whole time on site because you would go mad with the heat and the sand, and you can’t spend your whole time in an office because you would get nothing done – never mind going stir crazy !

Shifting dialogue at staggering speed, in a bizarre turn of events based on musical beds, I might well be back in the COB for a night tomorrow. I don’t really mind as I can go to the gym and it will make another day (or another sleep more like) go a bit quicker but I’m not likely to know until tomorrow sometime. It isn’t a big deal cause I will just pack an overnight bag and tidy my room here. There are a couple of bosses coming out to site tomorrow and they need to see someone here who will not be back until travel restrictions set in, so they will have to stay – and because there’s limited space here I will have to give up my bed and the next nearest one is about an hours drive away (when I say next nearest I mean the next empty one with 3.5m concrete walls around it and men with guns…….who speak English anyway). I should have called today’s blog “the diary of a Madman” because you must all think I’m mad but believe me, a change is definitely as good as a rest ! One of the primary reason for not minding this musical beds is that it will give the bosses a chance to experience the conditions here, which is never a bad thing – we usually pray for sandstorms and 60deg heat when they come out. They’re all Iraqi or Middle-East veterans but there is something particularly evil about where we are for any number of reason and it never hurts for them to experience that !

I had a bit of my past appear today, which was lovely. I had an e-mail from someone with a quick question about something from the previous project that I was working on. It was very strange to think about how things have changed in a little under two months, and it will be really interesting to see how far they have moved on in that time. They have been battling the forces of bureaucracy in an effort to get their three years of hard work finally ratified, signed off and started. I’m looking forward to seeing somebody, anybody actually, from the project, so that I can get back up to speed – you never know, they might need a Project Manager to help them mobilise !

I am in my usual position with respect to work, which those of you who either know me well, or are in similar situations, will understand and appreciate. I currently have a contract here to the end of December. I’m pretty certain that I will be back for six weeks in September and October, then back for two weeks in England. Then it starts to get a bit muddy after that. I’m pretty sure there will be some continuation here through November and potentially into December and if I continue the six and two rotation then that will helpfully take me to mid December and Christmas. After that, who knows ! I know from experience that my work, as a rule, takes at least two months to source, agree, start, work the first month and then get paid. Often the first month of that is covered by fees earned the previous month (are you keeping up with this ?). Christmas and January are always difficult times to source new roles as everyone is switched off for a bit (which is understandable).

So, in a nutshell, the problem will be securing a new role without being able to keep my normal networking going or to see anyone to discuss it, or to know when I will be available to start and so on and so on……add to that the depressed market back home in the sector that I have been working in and we have a difficult dilemma………..but I like difficult – it makes for interesting opportunities ! One thing I’m reasonably clear about though, is that after Christmas I don’t really want to be coming back here unless I have to. I think 6 months away from home is enough, especially in difficult circumstances – but as Tracey has already said, there is no point me sitting at home with no work, if there is work (and well paid work at that) somewhere else.

So my parting plea (having successfully filled 2 pages with my mad ramblings) is……Gis a job mate…..

The Art of Eating

I have highlighted food throughout my blog from the very beginning of my tour here, partly because, at the beginning people were showing an interest in what I was eating, or not eating, (I hope they are still interested because it has been a staple subject in the inventory all this time – if you’re not can you let me know because I’m not wasting my time thinking of interesting things to say if nobody is interested !). I’ve also included it because I’ve found it both interesting and frustrating sometimes – not just the food but the customs and the myths surrounding this part of the world (I have only seen sheep’s eyes once since I have been here and they were still in the sheep’s head – it’d been cooked but I didn’t see anyone rushing to dig them out with a fork……)

Nobody has shown any interest in me eating just with one hand or another (they are very keen on washing hands before a meal –which is nice) or just using my fingers. They use cutlery as well as their hands, in fact some of them would use a shovel if they thought they could get it in quicker.

There is a sort of ritual though about any meal, well, more a sense of reverence I guess – they take eating very seriously. Whether they are sitting down alone……..

Note the way everything is laid out, the numerous different sorts of bits and pieces, the glasses for tea, with two inches of sugar in the bottom waiting for two inches of tea (which they make directly in the kettle – note the teabag strings hanging out of the top of the kettle in the background). You will also note that Haydar has settled down for his lunch (a takeaway that he has collected from somewhere on the way to work – he’s on the afternoon shift), he’s undone his belt and unbuttoned his trousers, and he’s feeling no pain ! You won’t shift him until he’s finished and he’s enjoyed every last morsel. You can’t see the huge plate of watermelon and other melon (left over from yesterdays feast) in the fridge which they will tuck into as a desert.

Or sitting down for some kind of celebration or formal occasion……

I showed you this picture yesterday but didn’t really tell you anything about the food. Whenever we have these things, and I have probably been to at least 4 since I got here, there is enough food to fed twice as many people. That’s a cultural thing I’m told – that they want you to eat as much as you can to show their hospitality. They don’t seem in the least bit offended if you don’t eat a whole roast chicken for lunch (as I have been presented with on more than one occasion……) just as long as you eat your fill. The leftovers then go down the chain of command, to the other workers and guards, and the drivers, then finally to the odd job boys who are there to clear up afterwards. They must have eaten well yesterday !

We had a huge local fish yesterday – called a Saburra, cooked flat in a clay oven, which is ridiculously expensive due to the population being in decline (for once nothing to do with us and our constant quest for more oil – I looked it up on the internet because I wasn’t paying attention when they were telling me !). There were 7 or 8 of these down the table, there were about 20 roast chickens, piles of my favourite flat bread, huge platefuls of rice with meat, fruit and nuts, plates of humus, yogurt, pickles, cucumber and other salad stuff. There were bowls of spicy mutton and potato soup all over the table (I would have been happy with just one of those and a flat bread, it’s scrummy !) and then falling off the table were bottles of water, cartons of juice and cans of fizzy drink. In another room was taken tea and fruit (apples, grapes, oranges, and piles of melon), I think simply because they hadn’t got room for them where we were eating.

The upshot was, that very little work was done that afternoon and when I finally got so frustrated that I went back over to site to get something useful done, the third wave were in, to hoover up the remains and fill bags to take home. I guess that’s something at least – very little will go to waste from a meal like that. The fridge is stocked with fruit and bread and the freezer full of drinks (they don’t freeze anyway as they never get cold enough in this weather !). People are telling me that they don’t have that sort of celebration at home ever, although it has to be said that they are happy to tuck in when they get the chance !

Let’s not forget that all this is taking place in a building site office in the middle of the dessert !

Today’s inventory:

2 cigars – OK, I confess that they are three times the size of the ones I have been smoking up to now (which are half as big as the ones I smoke at home – I hope you’re keeping up……….)

0 units and $0 dollars – They (my Iraqi site staff) wouldn’t let me give them any money for the emergency pack they brought for me – apparently it came out of the meals allowance they get. I suspect there has been some kind of bartering going on with the people that provide the meals for us…… you won’t find me arguing !

Gym – nothing again today except about 2 miles of walking in 55deg heat which I suspect is enough in the weight loss stakes !

Food – I think I have said enough about food today !

Countdown – This time next week I will be in Dubai, wondering why I am drunk on two glasses of wine I suspect, but we will see !

7 sleeps to Dubai and 1 more to home.

Life on the Inside

Some of you, the ones who don’t look after children especially, will be astonished if I describe my working day to you, and some of the conditions and emotions that I endure. Those of you with children will probably understand the feelings of isolation, incessant noise, the language barriers and that constant feeling of being trapped in an ever decreasing circle with no foreseeable chance of escape.

I think I might use that as an analogy to highlight some of the issues that I face every day, and to highlight that I have a sensitive and caring side that empathises with the fairer sex……..

I am trapped in a building (or series of buildings in this particular case), I can’t go out without having to check with people to see if it’s OK and without organising at least 2 other people to come with me. There’s suntan cream, going to the toilet and proper shoes to consider, along with snacks and a drink. I aim to leave at 10 and invariably by the time other people have not done as they are told (when frankly they should be able to do it without being told in the first place), it’s nearer 11.

By this time I am desperate to hold a conversation with someone who will understand me without gurgling or just nodding and then wandering off to do their own thing anyway. I sat at breakfast whilst someone sat in front of me talking with their mouth full, mumbling and was generally not making a lot of sense (he was a Geordie so my expectations were fully managed). I just kept nodding and left with a feeling that I might have agreed to all sorts of things which I would have to back track on later. Next on the list is an Aussie followed by several Iraqis and a South African so the prospect does not get much better.

I then spend the morning tidying up someone else’s mess whilst trying to get on and do all the things that someone else is going to expect me to have finished by the time they reappear from wherever they have been dragged off too. Generally when they get back they have a whole load of questions which directly lead to me having to do a whole load more things to sort out the mess that someone else has created by over promising on various things – most of which are not unreasonable ideas, just impractical in the circumstances…….but we won’t go there. Generally you sit there thinking about all the things you could be doing if you weren’t sitting there, whilst wondering why they aren’t solving them on there own in the first place.

Then it’s more sun cream, where’s my hat, need a wee and I’m hungry, did you bring a drink ? I did, for me, but I brought one for you because you’ve never got one of your own ! Just when you think you might be able to drop them off somewhere else and go and do some of the things you need to get done they want you to stay there with them just in case they need you – well, you can’t leave the little angels there on their own can you…….

Then it’s back to your enclosure, but you can’t just settle down and have some me time because there’s playtime and food and then stories. By the time you finally settle down on your own to check your e-mails and to do that bit of writing you promised yourself you would get done early today, so that you could watch a film or climb into bed with your book, the phone goes and then it doesn’t seem to stop all night – before you know it it’s gone 11 and you need an early night because you have to be up early in the morning to do the whole thing all over again !

On the upside, I don’t have to change any nappies or wipe up any snot !

We had another of those contractor lunches today only we hosted it this time, and the guest of honour was an Iraqi Police Colonel who manages all the checkpoints around the oilfield here. It’s all about greasing the wheels really, and respect – we respect that we won’t get anything done if we don’t acknowledge who’s in charge……. We gave him a present to thank him for his help and cooperation so far and then fed him to within an inch of his life !

Today’s other picture is really a competition entitled “how many Iraqi guards can you sleep in a 2 man room”……..

Today’s inventory:

Cigars – 3 and out, and the useless git who is coming down to site tomorrow forgot to get me any today (unless he’s winding me up in which case he’s just a git)

0 Units – but I am starting to smell that first glass of wine……..

$0

Gym – nothing today except some very sweaty walking about again. We’ll manage something tomorrow but it’s not likely to be aerobic.

Food – The best ever (or that’s how it seems) stir fried spicy chicken and prawn noodles, cooked to order followed by scrounged chocolate with a coke – surely it can’t get better than that ?

Weather – is horribly humid again, and when it’s like this down at site the smoke from the flaring doesn’t disperse and hangs in the atmosphere making everything darker than it should be. Like something from a Lord of the Rings film.

Countdown – 8 sleeps in Iraq, 1 more in Dubai